What to do with a Transgender Woman?

[Genevieve Doyle]

#4283

I am a lesbian transgender woman and a Christian, although I’d say the judgemental types would dispute that, as if they sit in God’s place. I have known my identity my whole life, and did as much as I could to avoid it until I could run no more.

Today I have a new female partner and enjoy being a wife and mother. I have been transitioning a year now and despite challenges, I am very happy. I will have surgery in coming months. I go about my community unnoticed as anything other than a woman, transition has agreed with me extremely well.

I was a male-presenting Christian married to a Christian woman and both of us were teachers in Independent Christian schools.

13 years ago I came out as trans to my partner. She was very unaccepting. From then on, it was clear that she thought my staying in the family was entirely on her terms.

I was consistently undermined by her as the father figure to our three children. She extracted as many ‘deals’ and as much power as she could, taking advantage of the position wherein she had insisted that I’d been unfaithful (yes, I got to be both the wayward spouse and the other woman simultaneously). So I’d be tolerated if I gave up almost all of my freedoms. I was desperate to be with my children.

She demanded that I get ‘fixed’. Liberty Ministries or possibly Ron Brookman referred me to a psychologist called David Schofield, practising in Chatswood. Every other client appeared to be a gay male. He even admitted that he didn’t know what to do with a trans girl. I eventually was very tired of the assumption that I was broken and after something like 6-8 sessions where even my wife thought I was possibly being milked for money, and nothing was really being dealt with, I used the fact that I’d changed jobs to get out of going due to the much bigger drive. It wasn’t a huge drama or trauma, if anything, it was lame – just the coercion and persistent pressure that I had to be ‘fixed’. I felt that somehow I was maybe an involuntary sinner, that maybe I was broken. Yet an image persisted the whole time – I was a little girl curled up asleep in God’s hand. I now feel that possibly God was trying to reassure me that I was understood, and in His care. I decide to pretend I was ‘better’ so that I could stay with my kids. But suppression consumes vast amounts of internal resources, and I was a timebomb until my now ex-wife would discover something I couldn’t suppress. To this day, she refuses to speak with me and withholds the children from me because she thinks a ‘deal’ she extracted from me under duress – that I leave and let them have the house 100% – was valid and reasonable.

All that was really achieved was my transition was delayed. I could have had an extra 12 years as myself, but at least I was with my kids. I left that trainwreck of a marriage last year, after 10 years of my wife not sleeping with me. I had not stopped being trans, but I’d lost all capacity and willingness to hide it. I transitioned soon after.

[Anthony Venn-Brown OAM]

#4285

Hi Genevieve

it is so wonderful of you to share your story so openly and honestly. You are the first trans person to share here. Thanks. It gives us a deeper understanding of the complexities and sometimes hardships of the trans journey.

One thing I think we can all relate to is “. But suppression consumes vast amounts of internal resources”

You must find it incredibly offensive when christian conservatives think of this a “choice” and the more recent focus against the trans community.

[Genevieve Doyle]

#4289

I do indeed find it offensive, but of course it fits with their approach that we are incredibly broken and sinful if they can imply that we are voluntarily that way.

It’s also why I despise the use of terms like ’the gay lifestyle’ and the ’trans lifestyle’ – they are used to imply volition, deviance and casual sex and debauchery. I would say that almost every trans person that has told me their story that, if anything, they ran like crazy in the other direction until they realised that it couldn’t work, and the story of facing suicide or death vs coming out and transitioning is extremely common if not ubiquitous.

I know from friends that trans people are not the only ones that face an existential crisis before accepting themselves. The fact that there are people being counselled for internalised homophobia and internalised transphobia speaks volumes about it being far from self-indulgent fantasy.

The more recent focus against trans people is quite maddening. The insinuation of predatory conduct in public restrooms by transwomen is both ignorant and offensive. It’s also stupid, as in good luck spotting all of us! We’re not all the ‘man in a dress’ stereotype at all, we could be that woman that just caught your hetero husband’s gaze for all you know! It’s fundamentally ignorant as it completely fails to deal with that most transwomen are undergoing hormonal therapy that equates to chemical castration. Typically, a transwoman has negligible testosterone in their body (natal women can be up to half of a man), and estrogen well above an average woman and closer to that of a pregnant woman. Quite frankly, transwomen are far more likely to exhibit maternal behaviour than that of a sexual predator. Also, to be really blunt…. the equipment doesn’t work.

The launch of political groups dedicated to the promotion of the dogma that there is a sex binary – in the face of scientific facts such as a consistent birth rate of 1.7% intersex individuals – is particularly aggravating. Yet this is the weird point in human history we find ourselves at – like a full circle back to the pre-scientific era – people now think the strength of their convictions can substitute for objective reality.

[Phoenix]

#4292

Hi Genevieve,

Welcome to our open forum of trust and respect.

Thankyou in sharing your personal story from a cocoon to a unique beautiful butterfly.

Our stories are complex, painful but outstanding and beautiful.

I remember having a heated conversation after I recently came out as a gay man,about the transgender progression.

I simply say now walk in our shoes for a day and then come back to me,with your views.
And we can continue with this conversation.

I distinctly remember my first few months of coming out.
Where I visioned myself, constantly wiping and scrubbing my body, of the lies and filth that were placed upon me / us.
Some stains are permenatly there and cant be removed.

It shows how far we have travelled and transformed as true and unique individuals.

Bless
Phoniex

[Anthony Venn-Brown OAM]

#4301

The launch of political groups dedicated to the promotion of the dogma that there is a sex binary – in the face of scientific facts such as a consistent birth rate of 1.7% intersex individuals – is particularly aggravating. Yet this is the weird point in human history we find ourselves at – like a full circle back to the pre-scientific era – people now think the strength of their convictions can substitute for objective reality.

Constantly revealing their appalling ignorance about sexuality and gender identity.

It’s also why I despise the use of terms like ’the gay lifestyle’ and the ’trans lifestyle’ –

you are certainly not alone in your aversion to the term ‘gay lifestyle’……I wrote about that here if you are interested https://www.abbi.org.au/2017/09/gay-lifestyle/

[Genevieve Doyle]

#4303

Thanks Phoenix! I have many gay friends (I’m trans and gay and intersex) and a gay couple helped me a lot when I first came out. These men did not understand being trans, but they certainly understood coming out! I think we have a commonality of experience as gender non-conforming individuals, and we should seize upon that commonality and unite as a political force. We’re here, and we are not deviates, we are another way to be human!

[Genevieve Doyle]

#4304

Anthony I totally agree with your commentary about terms like ‘the gay lifestyle’. As my wife and I like to joke whilst pushing the shopping trolley ‘living the gay agenda’! What bothers me is the non-scientific mentality we have to deal with – it’s quite clear in science that there is a spectrum of physical sexuality and brain sexuality. So why do viewpoints that are not backed by science get a run? Our society denies objective reality, go ahead and make-up stuff, everyone’s viewpoint is valid, no matter how uneducated!

This is the reality us trans people have to deal with – and I imagine that our situation is far from unique – that because others can not imagine our life experience that it is not valid and not real!

Just a fact – intersex individuals exist in all vertebrate species. Evolutionary theory would state that therefore the trait first appeared in the earliest common ancestor….intersex precedes the human race! We are acting like it’s optional to accept a truth that is older than us!

[Sue G]

#4315

Hi Genevieve,
Thanks for sharing your story. You’ve been through so much pain, which could have been avoided with greater understanding and acceptance from your wife, psychologist and church community. I’m sorry that you’ve been prevented from parenting your children and hope that they may develop a relationship with you in the future. We all dream of the day when diversity in all people is celebrated and valued. I wish you well in your transition and hope you continue to enjoy living as your true and honest self.
Sue

[Anonymous]

#4347

Thank you for your story. I came out as transgender in 2004

[Anthony Venn-Brown OAM]

#4350

Hi LadyNicola would you like to share your story here https://www.abbi.org.au/forums/forum/our-stories/

there are some guidelines for you here https://www.abbi.org.au/forums/topic/guidelines-on-telling-your-story/

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