- apcareyMemberNovember 28, 2018 at 6:40 pmPost count: 1
Often tragedies come to us in an unexpected way. A friend or family member dies in a way that we were not expecting. In a moment, that relationship is taken away from us and we are left in a state of wondering numbness.
Since being honest with who I am, it’s like I have been on life support. I was told you have two weeks to change your mind, remove what you have published in the public domain as a sign you have changed your mind and we will seek your full restoration.
Knowing that I don’t need fixing and that the affliction that I am currently suffering from is called honesty and authenticity, the impending expulsion was something that I knew may happen. I tried to accept it back then, reason with it, understand it and empathize with their difficult decision two weeks ago. That has been a lot harder than I could ever imagine. I get bouts of anger where I use the word fuck in all its forms. There are lots of moments of simply quietness. It’s not a meditative quietness, its a gaping void quietness, where all you can hear is your own heartbeat and the rhythmic breathing sound of your body as it heaves itself through life.
You even wonder if the grief will cause your heart to fail. And sometimes you wish it just would. Some days would be easier. That way I could face my maker, face to face and hope that I am taken into his loving arms and accepts me. I imagine meeting Jesus and simply asking why? And its not the why of the church and their behaviour. Its why am I bisexual? Why? And he simply looks at me, tears in his eyes and simply says, “Because……”
And that would be enough for me.
The truth is that I told the leadership of the church twelve months ago that I was reconciling my bisexuality. I came out to my children at the same time. Why now, a year later? What is it about being authentic and honest to everyone that is such concern? These issues frustrate me immensely. Two years ago as a CEO, I held position and gave people employment but I was living a lie.
I’m not usually an angry person. I am struggling to reconcile how is it ok that the church can accept my money and generosity as long as I keep my struggles in secret but when I bare my soul and live honestly, it’s not ok.
The day that life support was switched off, a Sunday message entitled “Removing a believer!” was so deftly crafted that even my closest friends are now saying, “I’m between a rock and hard place!” or “Oh, I will call and text……but we can’t catch up.” I think the specific medical terminology that was used – we can’t eat with you!
We cannot eat with you! As simple as that.
After seeing the movie Boy Removed on the weekend about the incredible damage undertaken in the name of religion to try and “Pray the Gay away” and conversion therapy, I cannot help think that the strategy of “We cannot eat with you” and the expulsion LGBTIQ Christians from churches is simply Conversion Therapy 101 – grass roots style, where simply manipulating and denying friendships, cutting off communication is now hidden and as effective as making people endure isolation at the most vulnerable time of their lives. The human cost is still there. This time it’s hidden.
I guess one day when my heart fails and I get to see whether this faith journey has been right or wrong, I am hoping to sit with the man at the centre of my faith.
I am unlearning many things but I know one thing
He will eat with me.ABBIchatavbKeymasterNovember 28, 2018 at 7:24 pmPost count: 10
Hey apcarey…..thanks for sharing this today. It’s a painful time for you and not doubt more to come as you work through the challenges of living authentically. Over time I have found that the centre of our authenticity begins to work outwards and in the end the only people in our world are those with integrity and authenticity……..anyone else not aligned with or in harmony with our values ricochets off.PhoenixModeratorDecember 2, 2018 at 8:33 amPost count: 18
Thankyou for your openess and honesty
I am truly moved while reading your personal story
It’s been 12 months now after I came out and boy oh boy what a f journey if I had known what I would have and still going through now
I dont think i would’ve come out.
After I decided I didn’t know anyone and people that I knew that would accept my true identity, i avoided them because i knew they would encourage me to come out fully.
Through a dear friend, he advised me of a church that worships and accepts the LGBTIQ community.
This was my first move into a community and for the first time in 32 years say
I Am Gay
But as I was walking towards the the church.
Jesus whispered in my ear
Mark follow me if you dare
I knew this was going to be a different way a new way.
I said YES
As long as I hold your hand Jesus and you never let go of me, i will follow you.
So yes Apcarey we will join him for that banquet as there is a seat already reserved for us all.
And boy what a banquet that will be
BlessSue GModeratorDecember 4, 2018 at 11:03 amPost count: 14
Apcarey, my heart goes out to you. I hope you find a church or community group which affirms you. If you live in city, try MCC or the Quakers. Some Uniting churches in Australia are gay-supportive, e.g., Pitt Street and South Sydney.Good luck on your journey. Sue G x
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