Home › Forums › Ex-gay/reparative/conversion therapy survivor stories › Slapping God in the Face
- timberModeratorNovember 28, 2018 at 6:15 pmPost count: 2
I had just left the London home of an Anglican minister with an exhilarating spring in my step. He was the first person of faith in my life to tell me to quit rejecting the man God made me to be. ‘He made you for male companionship. You CAN follow Jesus and be gay. Stop slapping God in the face and embrace the life He has for you’. His words were ointment to my battered, war-weary soul who for 15 years had desperately tried to pray the gay away. Finally, a way forward to freedom.
A decade of well-intentioned pastors, church teachers and professional counseling, along with 6 months of conversion therapy had crushed my spirit and burdened me with self-loathing, rejection and hopelessness. The ex-gay ministry ‘Living Waters’ was all my idea. I had heard about the program in my church and felt like it was my destiny. Finally, a solution to my disgusting ailment. All it required was a daily commitment to prayer, workbook entries, bible study, unwavering purity of thought, and weekly group sessions with the other afflicted men and women who needed saving. Jesus Christ was the answer, but I had known that my whole life. I reckon I had ticked all those Christian boxes perfect well. I loved Jesus, I talked to Him every day, I attended church weekly, I read the Bible, I lead others to Him. But when that handsome youth leader put his hand on my shoulder, I didn’t want him to take it off!
I started dating women, being told by a well meaning confidant ‘You’re not a homosexual, you just haven’t found the right girl yet’. Looking back, it was quite easy to date good church women really. I mean the mantra ‘no sex before’ marriage was ideal for me – I had absolutely no desire for it. Kissing was tolerable, and that’s all the body contact I made with women during those determined years. The ex-gay course would teach me that if I followed the lessons religiously and was self-disciplined enough, Jesus would eventually nail that same sex-attraction to The Cross. As the six month course came to a close, my hope was shriveling. Had God not heard my desperate pleas? Had my efforts not been worthy? Did I need to repeat course just as half the class had already done?
Just when those pounding waves of doubt and had left me close to drowning, God sent a lifesaver. ‘You’re praying for a mountain that God has not need or intention of moving’. ‘You are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image’. Go out there and start on a new path that God wants you on: the path to freedom. That caring minister’s words still ring in my ears all these years later. It’s still the message of hope that I continue to live by and wish to share. For those of us who believe love is a gift given by God and demonstrated in Jesus’ life, death and resurrection, then I’m here to share the journey with you.ABBIchatavbKeymasterNovember 28, 2018 at 6:28 pmPost count: 10
I like your title of your post Timber……. “Slapping God in the face.” Many of us did that for years out of our own ignorance. Eventually we wake up.PhoenixModeratorDecember 1, 2018 at 11:14 amPost count: 18
Great heading Timber
I recently gained courage to face the music
I arranged solo a meeting with a Pentecostal minister whether I would be accepted in their church as a gay man.
Yes of course God loves everyone.
As the polite conversation continued my alarm bells rang
Love has boundaries
We MUST surrender ALL not you can have 90% but I will keep 10%
He gave a description of a upside triangle
If we concentrate on only some of the scriptures and not the whole bible we become un balanced.
And then the finale came.
It says clear in the bible that adulteress, fornicators well we know the rest.
I held myself together and we departed.
Before leaving he gave me a book published by the church of the christain journey.
He rang me a few days ago and wanted to know how the readings were going
I said the book is still on my kitchen bench ,I haven’t had time due that I need finish a book I was reading
Loving some one Gay
I will pray that the Word of God becomes the clearest voice of all.timberModeratorDecember 1, 2018 at 2:19 pmPost count: 2
Thanks for sharing, Phoenix.
We are starting to see more sympathetic church leaders in Pentecostal circles, but they are likely to welcome but not affirm you. My hope is that the more we are present, leading with love and gentleness, demonstrating God’s grace in our lives, clergy will start making more space at the table for us.
And as for the book, if he insists on you reading his, then you insist that he reads yours! I recommend either Venn Brown’s ‘A Life of Unlearning’ or ‘God and the Gay Christian’ by Matthew Vines.PhoenixModeratorDecember 1, 2018 at 3:35 pmPost count: 18
I have read these books and they are books that you never stop reading because as we evolve and change to become the men God plans for us to be.
We learn new attributes about ourselves and others.
To all I highly recommend
Loving Someone Gay
Don Clark Ph. D
Now in its 5th Edition.
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