Home › Forums › Ex-gay/reparative/conversion therapy survivor stories › One day an anointed man of God to a demon possessed sinner
- ryzaMemberFebruary 1, 2019 at 3:40 pmPost count: 1
From as young as I remember, I looked forward to Sundays because I loved going to Church with my mum and my nana. I loved the singing and I loved Sunday School and I always knew and felt like the Church was my home, my family. At the age of 5 Years old, I wanted to be a preacher.
Throughout my teenage years, I still continued to live out my faith, even though most of my family fell away! I knew that God was real and that Jesus had died for my sin and I wanted to honor his sacrifice with my life. At the age of 16, I dropped out of high school to turn my dream of preaching and sharing the Good News of Jesus with the world a reality! – I began an internship through my local church and I loved every minute of it. Dedicating a year of my life to serve and love my community full time was so empowering and confirmed that yes, this is what I was called to do for the rest of my life!
I ended up going to a Bible College in Tauranga, New Zealand where I got my Diploma in Christian Ministries and Began looking for a Ministry Job, Which I landed in a Cute, little Baptist Church in the South Island of New Zealand. – It was very exciting to see God use me in such a mighty way, I was able to grow a Youth group from nothing to around 35 Kinds within only a matter of months. I saw kids impacted for the cause of Christ, I saw young hurting people on their way to freedom and wholeness.
Yes, God was using my ministry to see the lives of Young people be drawn closer to him. BUT…. I had a deep secrete which was eating at me, making feel guilty and condemned and locked away from really entering into the deep places of God, a place where I could be completely stripped back without any limited or feelings of anxiety.
I ended up confiding in a leader of the church who put me onto a Christian councilor who I had a season with. This councilor, asked a lot of Questions like, Have I been sexually abused or has anything else traumatic happened to me in my life. – This left me feeling very confused. He then told me that If I read my bible, pray more and get enough exercise then God would heal and set me free. There was definitely hope to become a normal heterosexual male.
I did not try half of this stuff as it all sounded weird but still definitely wanted to be set free. I continued to keep searching for answers, but this time alone…
Shortly after this, I managed to land a pretty awesome Youth Pastor role in a big church in another city. I took this on with great expectation.
3 years into the Job I realized I still was unable to shake off this homosexual behavior and I knew I needed to step down and be honest and integral with where I was at.
At this point, I knew I could not change. From as young as 13 I have tried to pray the gay away and tried to deny myself of truly loving another. I was so suicidal and depressed by this stage. I stepped down from my ministry and that is when the rollercoaster really took off.
I managed to get a job in a hotel but was not satisfied, everything I worked so hard for had been taken away from me. I thought my life was over and actually a little part of it was.
One afternoon, I went home early from work as I was a mess. I went to the bottle store and brought three bottles of wine and pulled out a stash of pills that I had saved up and I begin to drink the wine, after the second bottle I begin to take the pills. I wanted to die because I could have lived a miserable life being alone, hated and made to feel like my very presence was worthless to God and at the end up in hell or I could kill myself now and cut out the misery and still end up in hell so I decided to end up there quicker.
Long story short, I ended up in the mental hospital and God has spared me from death! I survived and I believe it’s because I am worth everything to him. He has a plan for me and that day he sure did show me just how amazing his grace really is. He showed me that I am his son, adopted into his forever family and I am welcome at his table.
I have since married a man who really shows me what love is and reflects grace and patience. We have the privilege of caring for our local gay community, sharing hope to those who feel so hopeless and helping people find peace and hope in the love of Jesus. We are so excited about what the future has for us. I don’t look at my experience with anger or bitterness anymore but with a sense of Hope. Hope that if God could reveal himself to me and show me kindness and grace than I could help others find that same kindness and hope.
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