Homosexuality and Christianity has been a flashpoint for decades, and those of us in this space know just how volatile it can be. Whenever the LGBTQ community pushes for equality or an end to discrimination, opposition almost always comes from the same quarter—conservative Christian leaders, denominations, and organisations. And they can be very loud.

Since 2000, I’ve communicated with thousands of people on this issue—face to face with church leaders, through emails, online forums, blogs, Facebook, and in the comment sections of news sites.

Early on, I realised little genuine communication was happening. It often felt like a boxing match: both sides come out swinging, trying to knock the other down. That’s why those six verses in the Bible are called the “clobber passages.” Too often, the exchanges are nothing more than angry diatribes, reinforcing stereotypes and hardening positions. No one moves. Calling it a “discussion” or “debate” is flattering ourselves.

The goal is not to win. The goal is to communicate.

To do that well—intelligently, rationally, and graciously—requires skill and patience. Here are lessons I learned the hard way:

  1. Respect first. If we want to be listened to, we must also be willing to listen.
  2. Don’t mirror anger. An angry response only breeds more anger. Proverbs 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath.”
  3. Educate, don’t condemn. Many people are speaking from ignorance or misinformation.
  4. Beware triggers. Trauma, denial, bitterness, or shame can shape how people respond. Recognise when pain is driving the conversation.
  5. Don’t attack back. To do so only lowers you to the same level.
  6. Pause before replying. Walk away, cool off, and return with clarity—or sometimes, not at all.
  7. Discern where to invest. Some have closed minds. Focus on those who are questioning, not those entrenched in their certainty. You’re not a jerk whisperer.
  8. Avoid name-calling. Labels like “homophobe” or “bigot” shut doors instead of opening them.
  9. Ask good questions. Insightful questions often shift thinking more than arguments.
  10. Show your humanity. Let people know when words hurt, without lashing out.
  11. Use humour wisely. Done well, it diffuses tension; done poorly, it escalates it.
  12. Learn to cool the fire. Anyone can add fuel; it takes skill to put flames out.
  13. Remember your own journey. Most of us once held the views we now resist.
  14. Ask: how could someone have best reached me when I was uninformed?
  15. Be patient. Change takes time. Sometimes years. Small shifts are still shifts.
  16. Stay rational. Clarity rarely comes from anger—only reaction.

All of this can be summed up in one principle: the golden rule. Treat others as you would want to be treated yourself.

For a clearer understanding of how these things work out practically, look at  Creating a Space for Change and the model I created some years ago. IT WORKS!

A larger, more detailed version of this is available HERE.

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