Gregory Elsasser – Chavez’s “Terms of Estrangement” has a “Tuesdays with Morrie” feel to it. If you don’t know what book I’m referring to, then google it. This is the advice the author gives regularly in the letters to Travis, his estranged son. He can’t help being a father; making Travis find answers for himself instead of being told.

The letters are a stream of consciousness from a father separated from his sons and family because of two things essentially; his sexual orientation and religion. It has devastated and traumatised them all.

The letters are sometimes a simple “I really missed you today, love Dad” to lengthy blow by blow descriptions of what created the disaster.

The letters are loaded. They flip from intense emotions and grief to simple homespun philosophy, tips from Dad, like how to choose a mobile carrier, and the things that really peeve him.

Suicide attempts, drug and alcohol problems, depression, family history, being admitted to a mental institution (more than once), religious fervour, theology, decades of gay conversion “therapy”, trips to 30 therapists, musings, meanderings, why he would never buy donuts with rainbow sprinkles, personal soul searching, confessions, humour, obsessions, guilt, grief, encouragement, his relationship with Travis’s mother …..are just some places the book takes us.

Amidst these, from time to time, there are gems. Like when he finally comes out and begins living some teenage excesses he’d previously missed out on.  Gregory writes, “Eventually, the rumours of my behaviour got back to me, and one of the comments I kept hearing repeatedly was that I was “acting out of character.” This floored me and although I answered very few of my detractors, choosing, for the most part, to keep myself from jumping into defence mode, I still fought the urge to let people understand that claiming I was out of character was a little ironic since I had been in character my whole life.”

I’m sure the reader will be shocked more than once at the content. We see a man who has lived way too long on the brink of the abyss and sometimes slips over. But comes back again to pen the words to his son, who has chosen to no longer have anything to do with him. The letters tell us why. Travis’s trauma justifies the estrangement.

Gregory’s evolution becomes clearer as we progress letter after letter, penned over a couple of years. There are no chapters, so the reader must decide when it’s time to have a break, close the book, and go to sleep. Believe me, you’ll need those breaks.

Gregory’s story makes it abundantly clear how lethal the lie is that a person can’t be gay and a Christian and how toxic anti-gay and non-affirming Christianity can be on the individual and those around them.

Gregory’s wife’s simple statement when she comes to visit him in the institution finally wakes him up. A statement she intended to do the opposite. It’s finally over, and he begins to rebuild his life.

Will the relationship ever be restored? Will Travis ever get to read the letters where his father has barred his soul? Will there be forgiveness and restoration? We hope so, but history tells us this is not always the case.

To think this book is only relevant for gay and lesbian people from strongly Bible believing backgrounds would be a mistake. The experiences of loss, grief, relationship/family breakups, mental health issues and finding authenticity are human experiences and, therefore, relevant to all.

Anthony Venn-Brown OAM

Author of the bestseller “A Life of Unlearning – a preacher’s struggle with his homosexuality, church and faith”

Founder and CEO of Ambassadors & Bridge Builders International (ABBI)