The old “ex-gay” and the new celibacy message
In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) removed homosexuality as a mental illness from its diagnostic manual.
Whilst mental health professionals faced the reality they were wrong, and moved on, much of the Christian Church was not having any of it. In their eyes, homosexuality was more than a mental illness. It was a God forbidden practice, a choice, a sin, an abomination and against divine order. They had the first chapter of Genesis and six other Bible passages to “prove” it. Within three years, the first formal organisation preaching a “change is possible” message, Exodus, was founded in 1976.
The term “ex-gay” stuck for many years, giving the impression that these people, once gays and lesbians, were now heterosexuals. Ex-gays wore the label with pride. LGBTQ opponents often put inverted commas around the term, to indicate doubt.
Over the next four decades, hundreds of individual organisations under Exodus’s umbrella, came and went, offering “hope for homosexuals” and the promise “change is possible“.
The message of all the groups was the same.
- Homosexuality is abnormal/unnatural
- Homosexuality is against God’s chosen order, i.e. Adam and Eve/man and woman
- Homosexuality is caused by improper development or sexual abuse. You are broken.
- Homosexuality can be cured through prayer, faith, therapy, personal will-power or a combination of these. Homosexuals can become heterosexual.
During this time, one statement we heard repeatedly was that 1,000’s had left the “homosexual lifestyle”. Claims were made that there were 100,000’s . Religious leaders and organizations such as Focus on the Family, Family Research Council, Exodus, Charisma Magazine, Parents and Friend of Ex-gay (PFOX) regularly declared that large numbers were “leaving homosexuality”. Here in Australia, Rev Fred Nile of the Christian Democratic Party, Bill Muehlenberg, Ron Brookman – Living Waters, Peter Stokes – Salt Shakers and Margaret Court made the same claims. They lied.
Their claims were constantly challenged by ex-gay or conversion therapy survivors (people who’d come out the other side unchanged, except for the harm), many giving up when they found love, the public scandals of high profile ‘healed’ gays and the stream of apologies from former “ex-gay” leaders who said it didn’t work and they were sorry for the false hope and pain they’d brought to so many lives.
Denying the facts, and with a vested interest in maintaining the myth, ex-gay/reparative/conversion “therapy” ministries fought on, still offering people false hope.
Finally, in 2012, Alan Chambers, former president of Exodus International, admitted that ‘99.9%’ of the people he knew “have not experienced a change in their orientation”.
Eventually the ex-gay/reparative/conversion “therapy” ministries had to face the reality that the “change” they’d been preaching and promising wasn’t happening. So what was their answer? The message switched from change to accepting the fact that you are gay………BUT…….. you can never act on it. It’s called celibacy. You know, like nuns and priests, which obviously worked so well for the Catholic church over the centuries.
From the ashes of the failed “ex-gay” movement came the new celibate gay Christian movement.
The NEW message was:
- Homosexuality is abnormal/unnatural
- Homosexuality is against God’s chosen order i.e. Adam and Eve/man and woman
- Homosexuality is caused by improper development or sexual abuse. You are broken.
Homosexuality can be cured through prayer, faith, therapy, personal will-power or a combination of these. Homosexuals can become heterosexual.You must suppress ALL your same-sex thoughts and feelings. You can never act on them.
It’s essentially the same false and outdated message except for the expected outcome.
Of course I’m grateful that finally people have accepted the reality that people don’t change orientation and being gay is not in conflict with a person’s faith, but the new message “you can’t act on it” (celibacy) is problematic. The message now is “you can never fall in love or have a life partner like others in the church”. You are called to singleness; to shut down a fundamental and beautiful part of your God given humanity. The “you are broken” message continues to have a negative impact on young gay, lesbian and trans people in churches.
Some of the people proclaiming the celibacy message include Wesley Hill, David Bennett, Eve Tushnet and Sam Allberry and others.
In Australia, Liberty Christian Ministries used to be one of the prominent ex-gay/reparative/conversion “therapy” organisations (although they regularly denied it). They quietly closed down over 12 months ago and emerged rebranded as Living Faith (a celibacy ministry). As stated on their website, “Living Faith’s goal is not ‘orientation change’, but for individuals to have a life-transforming, personal and growing relationship with Jesus Christ, who is the Lord of glory.” To the non-believer that sounds ambiguous, to the believer, it’s plain and clear.
If individuals and ministry leaders choose to be celibate themselves, I’m fine with that. It’s their life and I don’t have the right to them how they should live it. What’s not acceptable, though, is for that message to be preached to young LGBTQ people, their friends and families as God’s only option for same-sex oriented people.
The most profound experiences we can have as human beings, such as love, tenderness, affection and intimacy, flow out of our orientation; whether that be the same or opposite sex. As with being gay, love is something we should never be ashamed of.
Like the old “ex-gay” message, the new celibacy message has a limited life span. I doubt it will be four decades though, as some of the original preachers of the message, like Randy Thomas and Julie Rodgers featured in Pray Away, already changed course.
And a little message to those choosing the new “can’t act on it” message. Make sure you put a tight lid on your emotions because love has a way of catching up on you.
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Dear Anthony,
I so enjoyed hearing your voice and seeing you on several occasions; on a podcast and the panel after viewing Cured. Now to get to hug your neck! This is next on my bucket list.
I was curious when I saw this on your email. When Sy had his conference with the small gathering in the 80’s, the last block under “New Celibacy Message” was something Sy actually promoted at the time.
Had Sy promoted the second block from the bottom in that column, I wonder if Grif would still be alive today. Grif was my soul gay best boyfriend-every girl should have a Grif in their life. We both attended a small intimate week long gathering with Sy Rogers when he first started with Exodus teaching his toxic ex-gay rhetoric.
Before Grif left town, we had lunch. He had been so destroyed about Sy’s comments on never having a relationship. He was so hurt with Sy’s comments that the church must have compassion for those homosexuals who would never have a relationship and remain celibate, that he cried buckets over his sandwich. I will never forget the look of hopelessness in his eyes. I will never forget the booth we were sitting in. I will never forget how much he wanted to be accepted by his sister.
That day at lunch, he pulled from his pocket a diamond stud earring and asked if I would help him put in his ear because his hands were shaking so badly from alcohol withdrawal and his tears. I obliged him. He had just put a reddish pink tint on his hair which had male pattern baldness-quite the classy dresser he was! Such a handsome middle age gentleman! His features were striking like a Roman god but he looked haggard-aged because of his drinking. Neither of us could eat.
I reached across the table and held his hands. This is what he said- If God hates my homosexuality but loves me. If I have to remain celibate, do you think God would be ok if I lived with a man but in separate bedrooms? Because I love men. Nothing is going to change that. I want to be in a relationship with a man. But where would I find a man who could love me and leave out the sex?
I started to weep with him. My own future seemed hopeless as well. Both of us loved Jesus. Both of us knew the church would never accept us.
That was the 80’s. The memory still as painful today as it was then. How I wish I had taken Grif’s hand and we had both run like the wind after that first session with Sy. Can’t go back in time, I know this.
I wonder if the anger will ever subside when I remember Grif. The day I heard about his suicide years later, I cried buckets. I screamed, dropped to my knees and yelled. Yelled at God. Yelled at Sy. Yelled at the church.
I told Grif that day with raised fist’s that I would make sure his memory and story would live on. I vowed that day to Grif, that I would open a safe place for our community. For youth and adults where they would be loved, safe and cared for. I vowed that day, I would call it Grif’s House.
Today, I am a house mom with Bryant’s Bridge, a home for LGBTQIA+ youth coming off the streets of homelessness. I wish I could tell Grif that all I do here is always in his memory so that these kids will have a fighting chance to live life abundantly. I wish I could hug his neck one more time—
thank you Bodhi for sharing such a touching story. Today we honour Grif and his struggle.