Being gay was something I couldn’t put words to as a child, being attracted to guys was simply how I was wired. But it was always “wrong” and filled me with shame, so after a spiritual experience at 15, I determined to become straight, going through every form of Christian therapy I could find to fix the problem. Years of prayer counselling, casting out demons, breaking family lines of oppression and just about every crackpot idea imaginable, including marrying a woman, finally lead to discovering Living Waters in the late 90s.
My wife and I were worship leaders, and through some contacts, were asked to lead the worship at a weekend Living Waters conference in Sydney. It was an amazing experience, and we decided we wanted to be involved.
We met Ron Brookman, who ran the Australian operation, who loved our sensitive style of worship, so we ended up doing quite a few workshops and gatherings over the years, including one with Andy Comisky, the founder of Desert Streams and Living Waters in the USA. The promise of healing from “unwanted same sex attraction” was too good to refuse and we became great advocates of their brand of reparative therapy.
We didn’t get a chance however to do the full 20 week course until 2001 in New Zealand, where Cam Rimmer was running it. Cam was a lovely man, full of love and grace, but as a straight man, had no experience with what it meant to be gay. His issues of abuse and addiction however, apparently gave him the credibility to run something like this. Helen Harris was also assisting and later took over running LW after Cam retired.
We did the full course most years after that – as worship leaders, participants, group leaders or assistant leaders. It was a hope for freedom that I embraced completely, and extolled it’s virtues to anyone who I thought could benefit.
Their teachings are primarily based on the work of Leanne Payne, claiming that all deviations from heterosexuality are caused by childhood trauma, abuse, incorrect correct parenting, etc.
It became apparent though, that “healing” was a long process, and many would come back year after year to keep digging for that elusive key that triggered their “sickness”, or fighting the “gay” temptations, just like the lust that heterosexual people had to deal with every day.
We were trained to take every thought to the “foot of the cross” and allow Jesus’ blood to wash it away. I found myself making past events more significant than they were, even assuming that certain things must have happened to me just to make the formula work!
About half of every meeting was spent in small groups sharing and praying for God to reveal the deep hurts that caused it all. There was a lot of “prophetic” words that helped bring to mind specific events that supposedly triggered the sexual aberration.
At the end of a course, everyone gave a little speech about what God had done for them – an absolutely daunting task, given that I had to word it carefully to say I was healed and straight, but still relying on Jesus to get me through. It was a lesson in ambiguity.
The sense of failure and hypocrisy was completely repressed. We encouraged each other to be honest with our temptations, but never to question that the whole system might be intrinsically flawed. I thought the depression and suicidal ideation would go as I embraced God’s healing power, but nothing changed, except my ability to hide it better!
Most were encouraged to come back for the next course. Some did, most just faded away, with no follow up to know how they were, and so stats on the real success rate. And then you’d hear of some leader who had “fallen”, and the unspoken mix of emotions as we passed judgement on his spiritual state.
It wasn’t until my wife died, that I stopped to look at the entire process. The damage was deep, and had filled me with even more self-doubt and hatred, a constant sense of hiding something and living in fear. I’m still finding its lasting effects on me.
I have always been gay, and after 45 years of desperately trying to change, have finally found the peace to simply be gay.
Jim Marjoram
Former Living Waters Leader
Reading this makes me feel so angry. What a monstrous testimonial.
Yay, he’s gay.
But where’s the acknowledgement of the trauma, stigma and internalised homophobia he instilled in others over decades because of his abject cowardice in refusing to confront the reality of his sexuality while his wife was alive? Where’s his plea for forgiveness for all those lives he made worse by pretending the ‘conversion’ torture he was pedalling worked when he knew,,,, HE KNEW it didn’t. Where’s his commitment to try to undo the damage he caused to countless individuals and couples in selling his snake-oil as a way of making a living, regardless of the harm he knew it caused? Where’s his epiphany that without addressing the underlying character deficits that allowed for such hypocrisy in the first place, he’s only going to lie to people again and again over other things (like his faith)?
Or is this one of those situations where one only need ask their god for foregiveness, because all the people you hurt along the way aren’t your problem any more…. because you’re already forgiven?
It’s okay Anser….if you google a bit, you’ll find that Jim has dedicated his life now to helping others and making changes. He was very involved in the banning of conversion “therapy” in New Zealand. Sometimes testimonials like this can be triggering but often are only one small piece of the story.
Hi Anser,
I totally understand your anger and disgust.
It’s been 13 years now since I came out, and have devoted my life to helping other victims/survivors of conversion practices.
It hasn’t been an easy journey, and I’ve had to sort through the shame and regret, wondering how much damage I was responsible for!
Eventually, I had to let go of that shame so I could actually be effective in helping others. But I still apologise all the time, knowing that it’s important to so many that those like me, recognise the influence and power we have.
However, it’s given my the rare privilege of speaking as an “insider” – someone who understands the complex dynamics that go on in conversion practices – the twisted theology and lies, and the broken, deceived people who live behind religious masks.
Yes, I knew all along it wasn’t working, but I kept hanging on, because I genuinely believed that God would “heal” me – that somehow, the miracle would happen and I’d be straight!
I was driven by deep, crippling fear, that always told me my life would be completely destroyed if I came out – my marriage and family, my friends and community, work and society. I was totally trapped!
In hindsight of course, who knows how it may have turned out, but I’ll never know. At least I’m alive and devoted to educating and helping anyone I can, to find new life, love and peace.
So my apologies to you if it seems like I’m not repentant enough. Perhaps I should do more, but I do my best.