Why is it so hard?
Resolving the perceived conflict of faith and sexuality is a difficult path for most people from a traditional/conservative Christian culture. LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) people from Pentecostal or Charismatic backgrounds have specific needs to be addressed in order to resolve that internal conflict.
LGBT people from Pentecostal and Charismatic churches have been involved in a form of Christianity that is extremely experiential. We have probably sensed the presence of God, seen miracles and healings, enjoyed vibrant worship, spoken in tongues, believed that the Bible is the inspired inerrant Word of God, had prayers answered and been totally committed to Jesus Christ and the church. It has been the foundation not only to our lives but also to our social network. Ours has not been a nominal faith but a deep commitment of our hearts to Jesus Christ, the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives and service to God through the church. Our identity above everything else has been that we are a Christian. Much of the above is also true of Evangelical Christians.
For the majority of our faith walk we believed that homosexuality was against God’s order and we must change in order to fulfill God’s purpose in our lives and be accepted by God and others. In other words, there are only two options.
- Be heterosexual and a Christian or
- Be gay or lesbian and go to hell.
We prayed and cried out to God to set us free but nothing changed. This created a cognitive dissonance between our faith and our sexuality. Questions begin to arise in our minds and beliefs take hold such as.
- Why can’t I change my attraction to the same sex?
- Maybe I am just too weak or I don’t have enough faith?
- Why is God ignoring me?
- I am a really bad person.
- Forgiveness is only for those who repent and forsake their sin.
- Something is wrong with me
What a lot of us failed to realize at this point is that just as our straight Christian friends and family cannot change being heterosexual it is just as impossible for us NOT to be homosexual. Our faith and morality are choices but our sexual orientation however isn’t.
We may have left the church, been asked to leave or are living a closeted life, struggling, even tormented, with the internal conflict our sexual orientation has created with our Christian experience. From what we have been taught, these two things are irreconcilable.
On the other hand, some of us may have left our Christian lifestyles before coming out, or have not experienced a problem in reconciling our faith and our gender and/or sexuality. Nevertheless, our church background may still be having an impact on us, which is not well understood by those who have not had similar experiences.
We may also be experiencing a degree of alienation in our attempts to integrate with LGBT communities. We may be encountering a degree of hostility or misunderstanding in these communities with regard to Christian faith. Some of us may also experience a degree of discomfort with what we may perceive as the prevailing sexual ethos in LGBT communities, and may think that there is no place for us in such communities.
If you are LGBT and from a Pentecostal, Charismatic or Evangelical background you probably fit into one of these three categories.
1. The challenges for LGBT people who have left Pentecostal/Charismatic Churches
This is by far the vast majority and. this group who can be particularly vulnerable. Many have lost their social network, having experienced rejection by friends and family. Some who have been employed in Christian organisations may have lost their livelihoods and experienced hostility from employers and/or colleagues. They have a sense of failure and shame as they perceive that they have ‘given in’ to their homosexuality. They have either been exposed and thrown out of the church or have quietly left knowing it is impossible to change and they will never be accepted as they are. Even though they have accepted their homosexuality they may still live with the subconscious belief that they will go to hell.
The results of the internal dissonance affect people in different ways. For gay men that might include self-destructive behaviours such as unsafe sex and substance abuse. Some have been living with a sexual addiction. Gay men and lesbians can experience mental health issues such as depression, and be grieving the loss of a sense of ‘family’ or strong community they once found in church. Some may also be dealing with bitterness and resentment towards individuals, the church and God. Many of these people have also been traumatized by the experience of leaving the church and supposedly turning their back on God.
After leaving the church there may be difficulties integrating with LGBT community, sometimes resulting in feelings of alienation, isolation and disillusionment. Constructing and coming to terms with a new gender and/or sexual identity and new personal relationships can also be fraught, and may bring some to the point of self-harming behaviours.
Also if they are still trying to hold on to their faith it can be challenging to find at faith community we feel connected to because of our theology and/or Christian experience. “Gay churches” seem far removed from our previous church experience. Traditional Christian churches style of worship seems too formal or religious and often we consider their theology too liberal. Their Christian culture and the one have spent years in are like two different worlds.
2. The challenges for LGBT people in Pentecostal/Charismatic Churches who are not out
The majority at this time are closeted or live in a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ cultures. The dissonance for most of these people is the most intense as they are still living in the world that creates the dissonance. This also makes this group particularly vulnerable. We know that in just one Pentecostal church in Melbourne, over a two-year period, three young men killed themselves. The issue – their homosexuality.
Being closeted or living in a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ cultures is never psychologically healthy on the individual. The most well adjusted gay and lesbian people are those that are out and have a sense of pride and self respect for who they are. Being closeted, particularly with feelings of shame, guilt and condemnation can create unhealthy behaviours and obsessions Because of years of stress, suppression, denial and internalised homophobia, mental health issues can develop and even physical illnesses.
3. The challenges for LGBT people in Pentecostal/Charismatic Churches who are out
This group at this stage is not very large in Pentecostal/Charismatic churches They need lots of encouragement and support, as they are the trailblazers who will make a difference for future generations. If they have taken the courageous move to come out, they are often limited by church leadership about how they can serve in the church and are not allowed to fall in love with someone of the same gender or have a relationship.
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sorry anonymous …you can't make outrageous statements like that on this blog and hide your identity. Offensive comment removed
I thought this was really good. I am a out gay christian who was raised AOG and have a slightly tilted problem you didn’t mention. I am in a lgbt affirming church that is super healthy but I have a hard time finding healthy spaces to get in touch with my Pentecostal upbringing that I miss. I would love to know your comments on the inclusion of Pentecost in progressive evangelical realms.
Thank you
Hi Trevar…..thanks for your comment. Your experience is not uncommon. There are totally affirming churches which have a Pentecostal/Charismatic style of worship. It depends where you live.
I’m a bisexual young woman and I have experienced all these things you mentioned. I’m living a hard time right now – I didn’t told come out, nobody knows my sexuality. All people I am surrounded by are homophobic. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Anca……thanks for responding and for your question. Do you live in a country where it is illegal to be gay.
I’m glad to have found that article, so that I know I’m not the only one in this situation! I’m a gay guy, former pentecostal, and I really miss my relationship with Jesus. I’d like to find a gay-friendly pentecostal church (or community). I haven’t found it here in France but I hope I’ll find people like me online 🙂
Hi Maximum. Thanks for your comments. I remember thinking that I must be the only gay man in the world who was a Pentecostal preacher. That was in the early 90s. Then around 2000, thanks to the internet I found one in the US. Since then of course I have connnected with many
Raised in an Apostolic Pentecostal church. I quit it. And it had nothing to do with being gay.
It had to do with the hypocrisy, mind-games, judgemental, over-emotionalism. I knew as a teen something was wrong. That one this one small group ‘knew’ Jesus and were the only true Christians.
The ‘tarrying’ , the disorder in worship, judging other Pentecostals. I searched for another spirituality when I went to college. Saw the wonders of the Creator via chemistry and astronomy.
Clarification: I am gay. It is just the issues I wrote above led me to search for a spirituality. I knew telling them would make things 20 times worse.
Glad you’ve found a universal spirituality
I am a Pastor of a GLBT Affirming Spirit Filled Church in Columbus,OH USA.Thank you for your ministry. Apostle Kelly Cross. Grace New Covenant Ministries
How lovely to hear from you and the special work you are doing creating a safe space for LGBT believers
I enjoyed this article. Being raised in the United Pentecostal Church/ Apostolic Church. I understand the pain of don’t ask don’t tell. I understand the pain of loosing family and friends, but through it all I never lost my faith in Jesus! I did not understand it, but I held on. Today I can say I know who I am and I can worship God in Spirit and in my truth without lying to God, myself, or anyone in the world.
I now Pastor an inclusive Pentecostal church in Nashville, Tn. We open our arms to all gay, straight, or whatever color your skin my be you are welcome at our table! Thank you for your writings, and I pray that healing will flow through all your articles! Yes we all need a balm of gilead in our life’s and his Name is Jesus!
Blessings to all,
Pastor Michael
mpftn.com
Glad to hear about your journey and that you have created a place for others. Bless you
Hi
I really need help for a special woman in my life who is Pentecostal and she is bi but trying to deny her love a woman she has met due to her faith. She is suffering anxiety and so many things from her internal battle with herself, god, faith and the woman she lives. Can you please please help me understand and possibly help her? I beg you for your help. Please.
this article might be of some value http://ow.ly/pFLA50E1LJy
I’m a transgender person who grew up in a Pentecostal church and my dad was a Baptist minister. I find it really hard to reconcile the two. I would love to know some of the theology behind affirming churches.
sorry for the delay…..you will find some helpful resources here https://www.abbi.org.au/audio-resources/
I’m gay and I have experienced all that you mentioned… I’m not out to anyone buh have left the church reason because I know I’m not accepted in the church due to the preachings when it’s comes to LGBT issues… I told a friend about this and what he said was being gay is a curse that has befall us and if you believe that Jesus Christ came to die for you then you’re a born again Christian buh I really wanna know whether I being gay is truly a curse?
Of course it is not a curse Sylvester. Have a look in our audio resources for some help with that
I am a lesbian young girl and I hv experienced all these things you mentioned I am living ahard time life , ever since people surrounded me gotto knows am a lesbian they started pointing hands on me at times they don’t wnt me to be around them or same place with them and it makes me feel unwanted at time and I don’t know what to do.
You need to get out of that abusive environment Mariam
Brother Anthony – I’d like to communicate with you through email about our shared vision for seeing “our people reconciled back to our rightful place at the table – Pentecostal / Charismatic PEOPLE OF FAITH who worship God in spirit and truth, free from judgement and victoriously proclaiming WE ARE BEAUTIFULLY and WONDERFULLY MADD in the likeness of God, we are joint heirs with JESUS CHRIST and are LED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT!!
you can always email me at info@abbi.org.au
Very helpful article. I’ve experienced all three catagories. To be honest, I’m trying to reconcile my sexuality and what I know and sense to be Christ in me. It’s more than just a belief. As I face these realities in my life there’s a lot of conflict in my mind. The only conclusion that I can come to is that Jesus Christ accepts gays and lesbians just as they are. I didn’t realize how oppressed me/we are by the church as a whole and some societies until I got honest with myself. I’m familiar with the church mentality that basically says ” we know everything this is to know about God and his desire ” Fact is we don’t. I believe God is revealing more truth in this area of gays and lesbians. The topic of eunuch’s is interesting.
It’s quite a journey Brett. Looks like you are progressing well.
Hi Anthony. I’m from South Africa and I read your beaitiful article. I was constantly bullied, shamed and rejected as a result of my sexuality in high school until one day I realized that I’m not going to change the way the universe perceives me. I kept living the so called “heterosexual life” but “Christians” still continued to make fun of me and I decided I was done being something I never was in the first place. Today, I’m an unapologetically black gay guy: always have been and always will be. The “straight” label doesn’t suit me and I’ve never felt so free: it’s fucken amazing. I left the church, I always felt a deep sense of hostility, always felt unwelcomed in a heterosexual church and here I am: living freely and authentically as a single black gay guy. You truly inspired me to be honest with myself and that healed so many mental scars.
That is fantastic to hear. You’ve made my day.
Hi. I found this post and article interesting. None the less I felt like I could relate. I’m a puertorican man raise in a very strict Hispanic pentecostal church. I’ve since came out about 9 years ago. I was 25 when I came out to my family. I did it with the expectation that I would feel free and finally myself. I did feel a sense of relief. But I feel like I struggle more now than before because I have no idea as to who I am or suppose to be. I strongly feel I don’t fit in and don’t have a sense of self identity. I struggle day to day and everyone picks up on the fact that I’m constantly people pleasing. I DO NOT want to come off like that but I don’t know how to balance being masculine gay and still having the fear of god. Please help as I feel that I’m in need of someone I can talk to who can relate or guide me on a path of discovery for myself
Hi Ramon
feel free to email me at anthony@abbi.org.au