When a married ‘straight’ man falls in love with another man
Thanks for your email Anthony, and for reaching out to me like this. It is wonderful to finally have someone to talk to. Some who actually understands my situation.
In your email you said, ‘I guess the question arises Joe – what happens if you and the guy you occasionally have sex with fall in love and want to share a life together…what happens with your wife then????’
To be honest, this is what I really struggle with, and it does really scare me. Whether you “fall in love” or not may depend on your age. The older you are, the less likely you would be so taken with another human being. Now I am older in life, I don’t think this will happen or that I would allow to happen.
Joe.
Hi Joe
From my personal experience, and from the many gay men and women in straight marriages I’ve worked with, falling in love is frequently the catalyst that jolts them out of denial about their sexual orientation. Whilst many men will deal with this in midlife, age is not a determining factor; it has happened to men I have worked with in their 60s.
Some though, have successfully shut down the emotional part of their life. But putting the lid on something is no guarantee that one day all the planets, chemicals and triggers might align and the person finds themselves hopelessly in love; some for the first time in their lives.
For many, until the point of falling in love, we are happy to live with the term bisexual – assuming that because we have sex with our wives and sex with men on the side, makes us bisexual. About 90% have had sex with one woman many times and sex with many men once. This in itself should be rather telling.
When you really fall in love with another man, everything changes. You not only want to have sex with him, you want to spend time with him, know him, have intimate conversations, or just enjoy each other’s company in silence. You may even want to grow old with him. It is at this point we realise that our homosexuality is not just about sex but is far more profound and is the very essence of who we are. At this time, many of us will use the term gay to describe ourselves, and the shame and guilt previously attached to the word begins to disappear. The identity we chose to reject, we are now willing not only to accept, but embrace.
If we decide to stay in the heterosexual marriage, we need to be aware that our emotions are an area needing constant monitoring or possibly shut down altogether. Personally I think this is sad. But I always respect people’s personal choices as it’s their life to live, not mine, but I think our choices need to be informed ones.
Until my 40th year, I had managed to ensure that I never got emotionally attached to another man. It was too dangerous – too much was at stake. In order to do this successfully, I made sure encounters were brief and that I never took the risk of using my real name, exchanging details or seeing a person a second time.
Just a few weeks before my 40th birthday I was in a place in my life where I let my guard down and the end result was that, for the first time in my life, I didn’t experience sex with a man clouded with shame, regret and guilt – I experienced something amazing, something I never knew was possible. That night was the turning point. Once I allowed myself to experience what was awakened within me, I didn’t want to shut it down. It was too beautiful, and it was as though something inside of me had come to life. The part that I’d tried to deny, control, suppress, even destroy.
For a brief while, I regretted that encounter because of the long-term implications, but in the long run I’m grateful it happened as I wouldn’t be where I am today; living openly and authentically.
I’m not saying these things to scare you, but just to make people aware of the enormous difference between sexual behaviour/activity and our sexual orientation.
Orientation is about love, affection, intimacy, tenderness, and partnering. So if we are same sex oriented……we will only ever experience those things in their fullness in a same sex relationship……not in one-night stands…anonymous sex…..or casual encounters with other men who need a sex fix……and rarely with a straight partner.
© Anthony Venn-Brown
You can find out more details in my bestselling autobiography, A Life of Unlearning HERE.
Further reading
See my YouTube playlist on Being Gay in a Straight Marriage here.
I am actually in almost the same situation as stated above. But in my case, I am not the married one, but the one who is in love with a married man. But unfortunately, the complexity of this feeling doubles as he is much older than me (about 40+ years age gap). We were madly in love with each other until the recent unexpected thing happened in our lives, where the wife found out. She took it very hard knowing that she has been living with a man who basically lied to her. All the dramas and unwanted situations began internally in their family, where in the end the wife decided she can't take it any longer, and decided to live separately. I have never ever felt so guilty in my life for being part of the causation. I was so devastated that it had to go this way, and it even come to a point where the person that I love even thought about committing suicide. But a few months after that incident, somehow we managed to reconcile and have been together since. Throughout those period of times, its undeniably hard for both of us, because he made a promise to his kids, that he would never ever tell lies anymore to them. But not telling lies does't mean that he will reveal the truth either. So in a way, though we're together almost every weekend, there are still unsettled feelings in him. Until very recently, when he had the chance to spend some time with his kids, something really unexpected happened to us. Somehow, I have been confronted by his son saying to me that I better stay away from his dad, or else it will be a police matter. I was in deep shocked by the confrontation, and those words said by his son keeps on playing in my head. And up to this point, I still have no idea whatsoever had happened. I really want to hear some answers from him, for the very least why is this happening, and if he genuinely decides to end this relationship. And right now, I have developed a very serious depression in me, because of the fact that I couldn't understand or even know what has happen. I'm not exactly writing this to find an answer from anybody, but I just feel like writing this to help me feeling better I guess.
hi there…..I'm so glad you posted your comment. It certainly is a very challenging situation that you are in. No doubt your partner is also going through a lot of emotions. I wonder if he is getting some help as well. These situations are not uncommon and there is help out there for all of you but of course it depends where you live. If you want to email me confidentially then I'd be happy to talk some more. anthony@abbi.org.au
These situations are so hard for all involved. Speaking personally, I’m the “other guy” in a situation very similar. Over a year and a half ago, I met a married man with the intentions of having only a friends with benefits situation. Even though we hit it off emotionally right away and connected. No emotions needed….that was easier said than done when “D” said the L word walking out one day. He has 2 children that he loves very much and says he loves his wife very much. As the months progressed, we saw each other more. We would simply spend time together. Then, a few months ago, he said he was torn. Thinking of me while he was brushing his teeth, working out, and every other minute. D said he couldn’t love two people and wanted to be just friends. When he visited after, we would always wind up kissing and smiling at one another. 4 weeks ago, D told me we couldn’t see each other anymore because he couldn’t be just friends; that his commitments to his family had to come first – no more communication. He said it was the hardest thing in his life that he has ever done was leaving me. Our last words were I Love You. Since then I’ve been in a horrible depression-unable to eat or sleep. Until a week ago when I saw him in the grocery store. Our eyes met and we wound up sitting in my car talking and holding hands. He couldn’t even look at me until I asked him to. When I asked him why he couldn’t, he said “you know why.” His stance is that he will try to suppress these urges and continue to be married by only looking at gay porn every few days. Since college, and throughout his marriage, D has had hookup friends that were all male. I was the only one who he fell for like this. While talking, I pointed out that the urges couldn’t be suppressed for long because it’s who he is. He admitted to having thought of coming to me and partnering happily, but called it selfish. I told him that eventually his wife would find out about his secret. Maybe not the affair, but his sexual desires. He agreed. (While still holding hands in the car). I love this man more than life and it’s killing me to see him so torn and in denial. During our conversation, I urged him to come clean to his wife before she found out another way. She deserves to have honesty and not betrayal. He seems to be making this decision for her which I stated was unfair. D stays on my mind constantly and my prayer is that he come clean to her out of the love a husband should have, also to free himself. Is this wrong of me? We agreed to remain friends through email and I know he’ll visit me eventually as a friend. At this point I just want to be there for him in any capacity. My question is how do I help him along and see the truth? This man is my soulmate and worth fighting for until my last breath. I feel horrible about his earlier choices and the price he will have to pay to the piper when it comes due. Whether because of me or the wife finding some kind of porn link or whatnot. I asked D, wouldn’t it be better to have someone strong enough to stand by you than risk being found out and left alone? We’ve all been scared of family rejection and looked at the mountain of consequences as he is now. My soulmate is scared, in denial, and torn. It’s hell for me and I told him this. How can I help him see that the honesty, even through adversity, will free his soul? Please, from one lost sheep to another, I’d like to know what I should/can do? My mind is so scattered now. All of my friends who know of my relationship with D have been so kind. Knowing all details, they have assured me he will come back, but I’m losing hope. At this point all I want to do is help.
Your friend my find my autobiography of benefit A Life of Unlearning – a preacher’s struggle with his homosexuality, church and faith
“There comes a time comes when we have to face realities in life. For some, reality slaps them in the face – refusing to be ignored.
On the surface, everything looked perfect. Anthony Venn-Brown was a popular, high-profile preacher in Australia’s growing mega-churches, such as Hillsong, and happily married father-of-two. Behind the scenes was a different story. Believing homosexuality made him unacceptable to God and others, a secret battle was being fought. After twenty-two years of struggle and torment, a chance meeting forced Anthony to make the toughest decision of his life. Tired of feeling torn and fragmented, he confessed and came out. Abandoned by his church and Christian friends Anthony began his life of unlearning; a lonely journey that made him who he is today.
This honest account highlights not only the costs of being true to yourself but that the rewards of authenticity and integrity are worth it.
As Anthony’s story is ultimately about being true to one’s self – whether you’re gay or straight, religious or non believer – you’ll find relevance in this triumphant autobiography.”
After being married for a few yearsI had my first gay experience with a guy I knew over thirty years ago. It was great and although initially I felt guilty, in time that guilt passed. I would see him every few weeks for fun and companionship for the next twenty years or so. I was and still am married, and my lover had a couple of long term relationships with other guys, but we continued to see one another. I also would hook up with other guys but no one compared to him. Looking back I’ve loved him from the very beginning. But even though I see him very infrequently now, I find that I love him even more.
My wife and I haven’t had sex for seven years, and even then it was a very rare occurrence. Indeed, only by thinking about being with him could I perform. It was always the case but all those years ago I couldn’t accept that I may be gay. Now, I know I am. How I wish I had had the courage to come out when I was younger. But now I feel it’s too late and I would not come out, even though I think my wife knows, as it would cause too much pain. My advice to anyone is to be brave if you can and be true to yourself.
Hi James. Your story is very touching. One can’t be helped but be moved by it.
I’m glad that you finished off with that word of encouragement at the end.
Can I leave you with this word of encouragement too. “It’s better to live one day on this planet being true to yourself than an entire lifetime which is a lie”
I’m so glad I found this article and the comments. I’m also “the other guy”: I’m struggling to know where my boundaries lie in being supportive. My Boyfriend is married with kids and has confided to me he is gay. He has accused me of being pushy about coming out. I recognize I can be pushy and I don’t want to mess this up for him. How do I support him without making him feel like I’m pushing him. These are rough situations, but I love this man more than anything and will wait for him.
Have you shared this article with him Mike
Yes I have shared it with him. He let me know that the article and many of the comments were very helpful. I just want to be supportive because I know how much he’s suffering right now and I don’t quite know how to do it appropriately.
There are challenging times. There are groups that support gay guys in this situation. It depends where you live. Then there are also online and FB groups. He might be afraid of being outed though. Does he come from a religious background?
I’m married and in the past two years I had a secret affair with another man. We had sex and intimate companionship.
I don’t want to break my marriage, I don’t want to hurt my daughter and the faith community where I belong.
This has been a struggle. We both end it. Have our own life but I keep on thinking of him. I want to keep him but I cannot hurt also the other people I love.
Is it a Christian faith community Ron?
OMG this is what I’m going through I am in love with a married man and I told him I am in love with you and he said I love you too we talk at work all the time
I am in a similar situation, I am a married man in his early 30s and been with my wife since I was 19… Up until about 3 years ago I started experimenting with guys and I had never cheated on my wife until this point.
I had a few random encounters and reg friends that I would play with while away. 6 months ago I had some business overseas and on my first night I met a guy.
We were both staying in the same hotel so We met through an app. As soon as He answered the door there was an instant connection and the chemistry was something I had never felt before. I had just arrived so we didn’t have sex that night we fooled around and talked instead…we felt so comfortable with each other.
The next morning we planned to meet early before I had meetings to attend, again for alittle oral relief – so I happily obliged.
Again this guy had me mezmorised.
I was heading away on an overnight trip so we planned to meet up the following night.
All ready I turned up at his room and it was on. I had never felt so relaxed and carefree like I felt with him. He confessed he was married and that he was in a sexless marriage and told me his real age…. His profile was a few years short… He is in his 40s. Prior to this I had this overwhelming feeling to tell him that I loved him……so I did and he didn’t know what to say.
the next day he left for home and we continued to message each other
He finally told me he loved me in December, 2 months after we met I said that on day 3
It got to January this year and we were still in contact every single day. Every day since then we would request a song to each other for the day ahead….. Remember we live in opposite sides of the world!!!!!
Now he is in a sexless marriage that has been this way for a decade and we didnt expect to fall this hard and be so emotionally invested.
Him being a little older I feel he had a little more control of his feelings where I had never felt this way about a guy before so I was hard and heavy. We were face timing daily at this point
So We planned for me to fly to him while his husband was on work
It was a week of love fun passion and just hanging out with each other
I came home from that trip knowing what I had to do.
I do love my wife with all my heart and I would never want to hurt her but holding this in is, not only hurting her but me as well. If I stay in my marriage it is unfair to my wife if I can’t give her 110% of me. And I would want her to be truely happy with someone who with love her with all of his being. I feel meeting him has forced me to realise who it is I am and want to be.
So it got to valentines and I noticed a change in his attitude and mood when we would talk
He was becoming increasingly torn, Between his long term relationship and me. I said to him that I can handle it and he needs to have the conversation with his husband regarding their relationship – and no sex.
He then came back to me 3 days later and told me he wanted to work on his marriage and give it a go. This meant cutting contact. I tried to stay calm And collected but I went into a spiral of depression. He was away on holiday with his husband so it slapped me in the face abit when I saw pic
Online . He told me he would check in with me when he got home In a few days. I went crazy over this time and posted a pic that he later confessed he looked at 100 Times on FB. He broke his rule and contacted me while on holiday which was surprising. This man doesn’t express feelings like I do. He keeps a lot
Bottled up and you have to pry to get it out of him.
was still under his spell and had to snap out of it so I took the emotion out of the breakup and looked at my life and saw complete clarity in the situation. I told him all my word of wisdom when we spoke for the last time to try and leave thing in a good manner. I told him to take time and let me know
The next day he messaged saying he is not ready to let me go.
I need to sort my end out with my wife and getting things in order.’he needs to do the same with his husband and until these matters are sorted it just can’t happen.
He is my soulmate and I know he feels the same I just hope he doesn’t settle for his marriage if he is not happy and they tried to make it work. He has a lot of money and property etc at stake so I hope this doesn’t scare him as well.
At the moment we are giving each a few days space but I just don’t know what to make of this???? He is the breadwinner but His husband is a lot more successful than me and I feel like I could never be as good enough to compare. Is this me reading too much it?
Is this man still in love with me or is he going through a mid life crisis. We are both in therapy to help talk about things but I don’t know where this is going to lead
He is still having no sex
I know what I need to do but I wonder if I’m on his mind as much as he is on mine
Thanks for listening
lots going on there
I’m a young married man with two kids who I love very much. Recently I’ve developed strong feelings for a male coworker. I am completely torn with my feelings. I feel a strong urge to pursue this man, but I feel terrible guilt for betraying my family. However I can’t get him out of my mind. Another problem is I’m not sure he is interested in men, and I doubt he would even think I am since I’m married. How do explore these feelings without “outing” myself if he happens to be straight or not interested? Also, am I completely selfish for wanting to pursue this man when I’m married? Any advice or guidance would be appreciated.
Hi R. there is no simple answer to your questions. The thing that I wonder though is to focus on your journey to self acceptance at the moment. You might want to read this about the journey to acceptance here https://www.abbi.org.au/2015/01/coming-out/
and also some help here http://lgbtiqcoach.blogspot.com.au/p/blog-page_3.html
Greetings. I’m a single father with a grown up son. Recently, I started a new job and developed a friendship with a male co-worker who is married with two little kids. I was instantly attracted to him from the first time I saw him, but didn’t really interact with him until a few months later. Once we began talking and getting to know each other, I began to realize that his good looks was an added bonus to his wonderful big heart. I always feel a connection between the two of us every time we chat with each other and I just want those moments to last long. I also feel that he may have some feelings towards me. He’s in a leadership role where he’s always busy and all over the workplace. But he’ll always find a chance to come and say hi and will apologize whenever he doesn’t get a chance to reach out to me, which I think is so sweet. Lately, we’ve been having more intimate talks and I’m always thinking about him. I’ve never had this kind of feeling for anyone and its eating me up inside since I feel like a lost soul due to the situation with him being married and not knowing if he likes men. I’m turning 40 this year and I’ve been in the closet and have only come out to only a few people. I’m at a point in my life where I’m tired of hiding who I really am and depriving myself of the happiness we all deserve in life. Reading your blog has been inspiring as I take the journey to acceptance. Thank you!!
Yes love does change everything. I’m glad that you found this helpful. Midlife is a time for many of us to make this readjustment to be ourselves. You might find some more helpful information here as well. http://lgbtiqcoach.blogspot.com.au/
All the best yous journey to authenticity
Good afternoon,
I really needed to see this website as I am also in a strange predicament. I met a guy 9 years ago and we hit it off. He was in town for work (as he lives in another a state). We spent a lot of time together. When he went back home we kept in contact and he was sent back to my area for another assignment. This time though we did not spend any time together although I tried.
He later on traveled to another state and worked there for 4 years. We kept in contact.
He got married a few years ago.which broke my heart as I knew based on conversations that I was not the only guy he had been with.
2 years ago he hit me up (we had not spokenough in a year). He had gotten married a year before. He basically told me that he had made a mistake in getting married. He was unhappy. The reason he had been so distant was because he realized that he had fallen in love with me.
He told me that he was going to get a divorce because he wanted to be happy in life. He asked me to form.back the relationship that we had. At first I was apprehensive as he was married.
But I was in love with him and he was so convincing that I agreed to form a new relationship with him.
It lasted a year all of a sudden he wasn’t getting a divorce but he still wants to be with me. What should I do?
I guess the question is what do you want?
Sounds to me like an unhappy life ahead if you pursue a relationship with a closeted married man. He is not being true to himself or to his wife. Is that really what you want for yourself?
I am the wife. My best friend and the love of my life came clean to me 3 months ago.We started dating at the 18 and had been inseparable for 29 years. He told me he had met someone and 2 months later he moved 5 states away, to be with the man of his dreams, and left me and our 2 daughters behind. When I reached out to his boyfriend, who had not been previously informed my husband was married, he professed himself an “honest a decent man” but stated that my husband’s family was not his concern. In the two month interim between his admission and his departure, my husband eluded to the idea that because he now knows he is gay, and because he suffered in the closet for so many years, he is excused from fidelity. When He left town, he has disappeared from our lives. He has withdrawn from all parental responsibility, leaving me to tend to three broken hearts and stripped finances (due to his affair) on my own.
Being gay is acceptable. Coming out, even after married, is forgivable. But to disregard those you’ve made a life with, as if they no longer exist, is cruel and selfish. Coming out shouldn’t change everything. It may alter the course but it shouldn’t dump all the passengers overboard. I never had been able to understand hatred for gay people. But now, with the selfishness and blatent attitude of entitlement, I can understand where bigotry may have it’s roots. I hope these two are not the norm. Maybe they are just selfish jerks, regardless of their orientation. But honestly, I hear the same tune in many of these comments. Male chauvinism at its finest.
Hi Hope…..my heart goes out to you. This is a terrible situation. Character and sexual orientation of course are two different things. Whilst these times of transition are terribly challenging for all of us…..I can say that in most situations I have come across your situation thankfully is not the norm. Hopefully there will be changes …..and I trust you are getting support.
I’m really sorry that happened to you.
Reading these comments and felt I needed to add my own situation going on. I’m sure I’d get plenty of negative responses, but here goes. I’ve been married to my wife since I was 19 years old (I’m 46). We started dating in high school. I think I knew at some point during our marriage I was attracted to men, but stuffed that feeling deep down inside somewhere out of love and respect for my wife and our children. In my mid 30’s I had my first sexual experience with a man. That opened up a door where I would occasionally seek the sexual intimacy of men from time to time (many times with other married men), but never thought about, or wanted to change my current life. I absolutely love my wife and our grown children. My wife and I don’t have sex anymore, mostly because of my sexual attraction to men has grown over the years. She doesn’t know this is why. We are still great friends and partners in every other way.
Fast forward to now. July 2017. I met someone a month ago who has been in a gay partnered relationship for two years. We both agreed we were missing something in our current relationships and wanted to form a longer term relationship on the side. Both emotionally and sexually. However, we didn’t want to impact our current relationships negatively or change them. Sounded good at the time. However, something happened on my end. Something I didn’t expect at all. I’ve fallen in love with him. We’ve only had sex one time since we met. The rest has been taking our time getting to know each other, talking, meeting for lunch or breakfast, and a lot of texting and emailing.
I find myself with strange feelings I didn’t expect. Love for a man in a relationship with another man, guilt… and the strangest one.. sadness (and almost the feeling of loneliness) when I’m not with him. He doesn’t know I’ve fallen in love with him. I don’t want to scare him off and risk losing him. I’ve never in all my years considered leaving my wife, but for the first time in my life, It crosses my mind.. but only for him.
Hey Ben….thanks for dropping by and adding your experience. Seems like this post is intensely relevant. Love does change everything. There will be a lot to work through.
Thanks Anthony … it does feel like there is a lot to work through. For now, I’m not sure even where to start. If this relationship goes the direction of deep love for us both, that could push me to choose to change my current married situation. For the moment, he’s doing a much better job managing the growth of our relationship, or at least practicing restraint. I think that may be in fear of his own feelings and how that could impact his relationship with his current partner. I believe he feels the same way about me as I do him, but doesn’t want to bring himself to admit it so early.
Thanks for having this site and the blogs….It does help to read them.
“Thanks for having this site and the blogs….It does help to read them.” And thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot.
Ben, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your story. I’m sitting on a bench at lunch time by myself reading it and as I reached the end, and your last few words I cried for a long while.
Although not identical, my male friend is single, I am in the same situation. I have 2 children in their 20s, and I fear what could happen if I talk about it with my wife, who I expect will not accept anything except seperation. I fear losing the connection I have with my children and my wife as a friend, being judged, hated, the cause of our possible marriage breakdown (which I would be).
My male friend who I’ll call J, lives in a different state, we met while I was there on work, we were sexuality active which I have been with plenty of other men in secret. But what was different is that we hit it off, we meet 3 times while I was there, we talked for a long while about his childhood and mine and to my complete astonishment and disbelief I think I have fallen in love. I say ‘i think’ because this has never happened to me before, love for a man seemed impossible for me, even though I am sexuality attracted to the male form, I have never felt like I would be in love with a man. We talk online daily, many times, exchange pictures and kind words. I’m confused about what is happening, my love for this caring and gorgeous person who cares for me, and to make it worse, I’m married with children. I love my wife, we are not sexuality active, and I think I love J. I fear the future, for the terrible pain I might cause, or for the heartache I will endure if I do nothing.
It is possibly the worst pain I have ever had. Missing a man that I want to hold so close.
I don’t think I am looking for an answer, I don’t know that there is one, but it feels good to talk.
Hi BenB…..yes I think also that you have felllen in love. You must have related to so much reading my journey in A Life of Unlearning. There is an answer and you will find it. You will have to find it yourself. No one can tell you want to do.
As far as we can determine most men leave their marriages to live as openly gay men. The rest do one of two things. Either they stay with their wives for the rest of thier lives or stay for a while then leave. The former is the smallest number. There are many variables in these situations so no one size fits all.
I’d like to leave you with a quote of mine if I may.
“Falling in love with someone of the same gender, while you are in the closet, doesn’t automatically remove the shame and fear that’s kept you locked away. The love you are experiencing encourages you to face the reality that this is who you really are, and has the power to set you free. The richness, beauty and depths of love can only be fully experienced in a climate of complete openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Love, the most powerful of human emotions, is calling you to freedom and wholeness.”
PS…..do you come from a stong religoius background by any chance
Thanks for the reply, I am not religious at all.
Re-reading my comment I realise my wording was wrong multiple times. I said things like ‘I fear the future, for the terrible pain I might cause’ when I should say ‘the pain I will cause’. I know completely that this heartache will be caused by me. I understand I am being deceptive, I understand I am lying. I understand doing these things is wrong.
You are not the first to find yourself in this situation and you definitely won’t be the last. Over time I hope things work out for you. this might be some encouragement to you. Since coming out all those years ago my daughters and I have a wonderful relationship and are very supportive of the LGBTQ. As shocking as it was for my wife, she did remarry. Whilst we are not best buddies or friends everything is very amicable and respectful. She got on with her life as did I. You can read about that in my autibography is you are interested. https://alifeofunlearning.com/
this might be helpful too https://www.abbi.org.au/2017/07/gay-partner-and-straight-partner/
Hi Brent, I just wanted to tell you how much your comment moved me. Your pain and confusion is palpable. So is your self-condemnation. I don’t think it’s entitrely deserved. You are afraid for the future. Of course you are. But; you are also acknowledging the reality that you’re going to have to confront the situation one way or another and that means you are being brave. It’s not bravery if its not a scary thing you have to do!
The choice to stop telling lies and pretending to be something you’re not, knowing that admitting your behaviour will cause pain is always difficult; but not doing so will continue to prevent both you and your wife from pursuing healthy, loving, sexual relationships for even longer than you both already have. Nobody ever said on their deathbed “I wish I’d had less sex and fewer romantically fulfilling relationsahips”. You both deserve better.
I would hope that in telling your loved ones, your motive extends beyond preventing your own heartache, to providing them with knowledge and truth they deserve to choose a way forward for themselves I would hope that when telling your wife, you would include her in deciding how to tell your children.
Just remember, it’s not you’re fault you’re in love with a man or that you are sexually attracted to men. Neither is it your fault you fear losing the people most important to you when they find out. You can’t control these things. What you can control is _how_ they find out and how you respond to them when they do. My thoughts are with you.
I have an update…
I have come out to my wife, I could no longer bear the secret of what I am and what I know I have done.
I have told her that I was sexually active with another man and that I have feelings for him, that I am confused, and scared, and that I love her, and I know I have hurt her.
Initially things were ok, but they very quickly sour. My kids know, I told them too, and they support me in my new life, and they support my wife in her pain. I believe they will not be brought into the middle of this (I hope with all my heart).
My wife hates me, I can see that, and with good reason, I have been unfaithful, and I have lied. we talk on occasion but I am trying to avoid her. I know she doesn’t want to see me at all, and I completely understand that, but it hurts me to know what I’ve done to her (of course, it hurts her more, I know that).
I am at a different stage of grief than she is, my confusion and anguish has lasted more than a decade, only now am I feeling freedom and relief mixed with sadness, guilt and pain. Her pain has only just started and it is deep, I hope she gets through it without hating me forever, but I can’t imagine that will be the case. I guess if hating me helps her through each day, I’ll take it.
I know I have done the wrong thing… fear, selfishness, and cowardice drove me there. I could have chosen a better path, but I can’t turn back the clock.
I still cry most days, at work I can feel that I am only a comment away from tears, as I expect my wife is too.
I am not looking for forgiveness, I just want the pain to stop for everyone.
these are challenging times for you all Brent. My heart goes out to you. Getting professional help would be wise at the moment. Your wife could do with that help and support. It would be helpful for you as well. I’m not sure where you are but I suggest you go to a gay therapist. When you are seeing a gay therapist instead of a straight one you don’t have to keep explaining things, they are get it and have worked with people in your situation. I wonder if you have read my article on the two separate journeys which would be helpful for you at the moment https://www.abbi.org.au/2017/07/gay-partner-and-straight-partner/
Wow Brent, thanks so much for updating! That’s a lot of feelings you’ve been having over the last little while! I’m glad to see there’s at least some relief and freedom in the mix though. That’s what makes it all worthwhile. Coming out can be tough. You’re learning that the hard way. But tough as it may be, I promise you the sense of authentic self and wholeness that comes wafterwards makes the struggle worthwhile….. eventually. Well done, you.
It’s OK to still ber sad. Just don’t grieve for what is gone for too long. Embrace the new and get used to feeling free to be you. It’s a whole new life.
Hope, your story is common. Many closeted gay men leave their wives and children and find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships with them. They are often not willing to provide for their children financially.
I am in a support group for straight spouses and I have heard many straight women and men lament the way they have been treated after their gay spouse left them.
I felt gutted ad betrayed when my husband of thirty years had an emotional affair with his boyfriend.
He had convinced me when we were in our twenties that although he knew he was gay he wanted a wife and family. When it was safe for him to come out and our children are adults he left me in a cold and callous way.
I was shattered and our six adult children have been hurt. Our family is fragmented now.
I think it is rare that the gay spouse is able to navigate coming out with kindness, compassion and generosity.
It would have been very different of my ex husband could have been able to be generous and caring. I feel like I have been a service provider to him.
Hi Julie….thanks for sharing your story and insights. I have been working for many years now with gay and lesbian people in straight marriages. http://lgbtiqcoach.blogspot.com.au/p/blog-page_3.html
The foundation of the work that we do is based on respect, openess and integrity. I’m please to say that the vast majoirity of these situations are not devastating or cruel.
this is not to say that they are not difficult or traumatic………but most definitely a far better outcome than I or others have created. I wish I had someone to work through those things when I was going through it. I was totally alone and had no one with any experience to help. Hence I made some terrible mistakes. Thankfully my daughters have been wonderful and my relationship with my former wife and her husband in good. We had to work on it of course……but I consider ourselves blessed.
Anthony, I appreciate your work with gay spouses. You paint a picture of gay and straight exes being friends and happy together.
My experience as a straight spouse was not kind and happy although my ex husband promised me we could have a conscious uncoupling and be friends. He made it quite adversarial. He is a Christian which is one of the reasons he married me knowing he was gay. He convinced us both it would be ok.
Many of the straight spouses I know in our support group have experienced emotional abuse, domestic violence and have been sexually rejected by their gay spouse. This has been incredibly damaging and it takes years for the straight spouse to recover.
I would ask that gay people coming out of a marriage be generousfinancially, kind, thoughtful and apologise sincerely. It would make a huge difference to their relationship with their ex and their children.
Thank you.
Hi Julie….for those of us from Christian backgrounds we were both sold a cruel lie.
i’m not sure if you’ve read my article on Situational Heterosexuality https://www.abbi.org.au/2010/04/situational-heterosexuality/
OMG this is what I’m going through I am in love with a married man and I told him I am in love with you and he said I love you too we talk at work all the time
Anthony, my point is that the reality for most straight spouses who are in our straight spouse group is that their gay spouse has lied to them, has had sex with men while they are married and then breaks up the marriage in an adversarial way. You have said often that the gay spouses you work with are kind and pleasant. I have not heard of them.
My ex husband told me that we were going to be friends, that he would look after our adult children and I financially and we could still be a family together. That changed after a week. Out of our six children two have distant relationships with him, two have distant relationships with me. I am really close to four of my children. My ex was a strong Christian and this has been confusing for our children As he used to tell them sex was between a man and a woman in marriage and he now lives with his boyfriend.
My ex told me a few months before he left “I am subconsciously angry with you because I can’t be with a man”.
So many of us suffer emotional abuse because our partner suppressed their true sexuality. Many straight partners have been physically abused too.
The gay partner often rejects their straight spouse sexually telling them they are too tired or that the straight spouse is unattractive tn them. It is really damaging to be rejected sexually by your spouse for years.
So if you realise you are gay or you have known for years please don’t have sex with randoms while married. It is still cheating. Tell tlyour spouse kindly and honestly that you are gay. Get counselling to help you both navigate what you do next. Be generous financially as it the least you can do to compensate your partner in the situation. It will help you to maintain a relationship with your children and your partner.
If you marry some one who is straight and you are gay you have misled them. It is up to you to make it as easy as possible for your partner as you separate. Thanks.
I agree Julie……people should get help with this. http://lgbtiqcoach.blogspot.com.au/2015/07/gay-coach_22.html
I’m glad to hear that you have found a support group. Feel free to put a link below in case someone reading this is looking also for an understanding group.
I’m so sorry to hear the way things have turned out for you.
Hindsight is definitely better than foresight. Hopefully with the growing acceptance of LGBT people our situations are less likely to be repeated in the future. A lot of that though is up to the church and religion
Thank you, Anthony. I appreciate that.
I have just read this article. It is almost exactly like my situation Anthony. I have been married for over 13 years and have just fallen in love with another man. It’s not just about the sex (although that’s great.) It’s about wanting to spend the rest of my life with this man. I’m not even totally sure how he feels about this. However, I DO know how I feel. It’s been a long hard battle for years.
Every day I wake up, he is the first person I think of. He’s the last person I think of at night. I love his sense of humour as well as his ability to laugh at things. Gradually, I’m finding my heart is becoming more and more open to him. At the same time, though, I am concerned it will end in tears. Despite this, I do know that I have enjoyed being with him. The way we hold each other is amazing. I cannot even describe it.
At the beginning, I felt the ‘butterflies’ sensation. Now, just 2 months later, I feel an overwhelming sense of love for him. I never thought I would feel like this at this stage in life. Clearly I was wrong. I don’t think he realises just how happy he makes me – or the amount of love I have for him. I am hoping that he will realise this slowly overtime. But even if he doesn’t – just being with him or even texting him – I feel like a teenager all over again!
At the same time, I too have been a Christian. I find stories like yours rare – especially as another Christian gay man. My churches that I have attended have view Homosexuality as a sin. I would even go as far to say that part of me has been brain washed (even before marriage) into believing it. Now, I am not so sure.
The laws of probability tell us that finding that ‘one’ is even less likely, simply because there are less of us. When I found him, everything that has been lying dormant (or supressed) suddenly came to life. Strangely, I have also noticed that I have started losing weight. At first, I put it down to stress – but I’m now realising it’s also to do with the chemistry going on inside my body.
I would, however, love to hear your views as well as advice.
Hi John…..I guess the first thing I can say is that your situation is not unusual as my article indicates. You response here is like the blueprint of 100’s of emails I have received from readers of my autobiography and those I have worked with in this area. Once again….hence the article.
Advice? There are vast array of variables in each persons situation….status of the current relationship, Children, ages, health, finances, friendships, support for your partner…and as you have also mentioned faith and chuch……to name just a few.
When I work with people in this area our foundation is always respect and integrity……whilst it is not the best of situations …..we can work for the best outcome possible for all concerned…..but there are no quick answers for that. You can get some more questions answered here if you like http://lgbtiqcoach.blogspot.co.id/p/blog-page_3.html
John, I can understand your excitement at finding some one you love.
My heart goes out to your wife.she has been married to you for thirteen years and I imagine that she has been faithful to you and you have had sex with a man. Can you imagine how betrayed she will feel by this?
I would urge you to have counselling with your life and work out a way to tell her you are gay.
Expect her to be angry, devastated and betrayed. This is not pretty! She has devoted herself to you and you have suppressed your sexuality as you thought it was the right thing to do. She might feel like your marriage was a sham and she has wasted thirteen years with you.
If you decide to separate be kind and gentle with your wife and be financially generous.
Support her and your children if you have them. Go to counselling to help you to separate well.
Straight spouses are shattered when they find out their partner is same sex attracted and has already cheated on them.
My husband let me after thirty years of marriage and he lives with his partner now. He told me he was gay before we married and convinced me he wanted a wife and children. I now feel like I was a service provider and he gets his gay life now.
John, I would encourage you to be very careful as you have the potential to leave a path of devastation behind you.
We did have counselling before all this. Yes, she knew I was attracted to men. She also knew I’d had hookups in the past – and was devastated when I told her. However, the marriage wasn’t a sham as you seem to hint. We have two lovely boys and both love them to bits. They have brought immense joy. However, I have explained to her that this marriage cannot work because of my true feelings.
There have also been other problems that have affected the marriage – not all one sided. In fact, these when combined with this situation have meant that I have decided to end the marriage. This was not an easy decision, however, I dp feel it was the right one. If we got back together, I only see things rearing all over again.
However, thank you for your comments.
John, it is really sad and difficult when a marriage ends.
I am sorry that your family is going through that grief
I was married for thirty years and we had six children yet I felt like our marriage was a sham because my husband loved me with his will not his whole heart.
He did not really have me in his head like a straight man does with his partner.
You attracted to men, John so I wonder if you have fully desired your wife and if she has made your heart sing.
Many of my friends who are straight spouses have told me that their husbands have not wanted to be intimate with them and told them that it is their fault for not being attractive enough.
The simple truth is that they are women not men. This has been devastating for those women.
I wish you well John and I urge you to listen to your wife and treat her kindly
John, I can understand your excitement at finding some one you love.
My heart goes out to your wife.she has been married to you for thirteen years and I imagine that she has been faithful to you and you have had sex with a man. Can you imagine how betrayed she will feel by this?
I would urge you to have counselling with your life and work out a way to tell her you are gay.
Expect her to be angry, devastated and betrayed. This is not pretty! She has devoted herself to you and you have suppressed your sexuality as you thought it was the right thing to do. She might feel like your marriage was a sham and she has wasted thirteen years with you.
If you decide to separate be kind and gentle with your wife and be financially generous.
Support her and your children if you have them. Go to counselling to help you to separate well.
Straight spouses are shattered when they find out their partner is same sex attracted and has already cheated on them.
John, I would encourage you to be very careful as you have the potential to leave a path of devastation behind you.
Julie,
I fully empathize with what you went through. I cannot imagine the pain, frustration, and the feelings of betrayal that you felt when your husband came out to you.
Although the process was inevitably hurtful for all the parties involved, do you think that asking a man, who’s struggling with his sexuality, to commit to the marriage and live “a straight lifestyle” to placate his wife’s needs? I understand that a vow was made, however what if the vow was made during a time when homosexuality was not as socially acceptable as it is today? What if the vow was made out of love, and because it was the societal norm to get married and have kids?
Should a man live in authenticity to keep the vow?
My husband knew he was gay and told me before we married. He convinced us both that God would help,us. He told me “I have to love you by faith” which I found odd when he said that in 1983.
I struggled to stay in our marriage for three decades because my husband did not listen to me and he put men in authority before me.
I wish he had lived authentically from the start and not married me. It was in his power to do so.
He has caused our family much pain through not being able to accept himself.
Too many sad stories and all because of ignorance Julie. None of us deserved this unecessary suffering. This insanity must stop. We have to create a better day.
Hello,
This article has summed up all my emotions and feelings of being trapped and all my desires and needs from a homosexual relationship.
I am a married man of age 28. I got married last year due to parental pressure. The society in India pressurises a lot to get married. Same sex relationships are a big NO and never acknowledged.
I got married as after looking for a steady partners for 3 years I could not find anyone. Then I succumbed to pressure and got married with a thought that it will add stability to my life and I will have a companion at least.
Now I have met a guy with whom I am in love. I feel my emotional desires as a gay men are getting fulfilled with him. I am not in a relationship with him yet as I am married and he knows about me everything.
I am in dilemma now. Neither I can leave my wife. And if I stop seeing my gay friend, I will get into depression. I feel sad for me. I feel sad for my wife. I feel sad for my gay friend. I feel trapped and feel like killing me.
Hi Alankrit…..yes you have multiple intersectionalities. Along with your sexual orientation to resolve you are living in a country which criminalizes gay people, your also have the cultural and familey issues to contend with…..that is a lot.
I guess my story is very similar to the rest, why is this so common???
I still have sex with my wife, and enjoy it very much, and if I’m totally honest the sex with my wife is better than the sex I have had with men, yet my preference is for men, and I can’t understand this. I put it down to the emotional connection I have with my wife, that we are expressing our love through sex, yet with a man I only doing it to satisfy an urge.
I have been with my wife for 20 years, and have experimented with men for the last 2, and she has recently found out and is devastated. There were other issues in the marriage that lead me to seeking out men, but I had always been curious.
We are in counselling together, and I have also started seeing a therapist independently. I don’t have major concerns about coming out and living a gay life, I don’t have any family or friends that I have to explain anything to, my major concern is splitting up the family as we have 2 young kids, but I also don’t want to be dealing with this for the next 5-10 years.
I’m really not sure what I want, and I’m in a really dark place at the moment.
I’ve joined an online support group and it seems the only ones in successful marriages are the ones that open or in a closed loop arrangement, which my wife will not allow. The ones that are in a monogamous marriage have been in therapy for years, and don’t seem to be happy.
Hi John….thanks for sharing your story. Firstly it is common because it is a generational thing. I was born after the war. Men who were gay before WWll generally got married and never came out. My generation got married because of society standards, negativity about homosexuality and believing that marriage would most likely be an answer for our ‘problem’…..and many of us came out in midlife or later. The generation growing up now won’t get married because of acceptance. ….and mostly will be able to marry the person they fall in love with…..same sex of course.
You said “it seems the only ones in successful marriages are the ones that open or in a closed loop arrangement, which my wife will not allow. The ones that are in a monogamous marriage have been in therapy for years, and don’t seem to be happy.” ….yep….you nailed it. And the closed loop ones can be tricky.
Dear Anthony,, I am the wife who by accident found out that my husband liked men. We were married for 32 years. We have a beautiful daughter, who is intelligent and up to date with this subject.My husband told our daughter that he was homosexual. She told him her love for him would continue, as they are very close together. I told him to leave. I was angry , we were very open about everything, I still dont know why he did not tell me the truth.I was a hard working woman, who supported my family while he continued his studies. We travelled a lot and had a good relationship, although in bed I felt that there was something missing. He refused to let his family know what happened, asked me to tell everyone that we were getting separated because we came to an agreement. I thought that is very coward of him.I am still very hurt, but I know I will recover, and I am happy my daughter is here to give us love and stacks of support. I know he lives alone. No one has moved in with him.He comes now and then to my home to have lunch, sometimes supper with our daughter, as I know that this makes her happy. I speak to him of things that we still share, but what I really want is to be left alone, as what he did to me , I have no words to describe the pain I went through. I want to forget this quickly, but my daughter thinks we will get back together. Impossible as all the love for him as died. I have told him to come out of his shell, but I feel he is too scared, I suspect that his lover is also married, and has not found the courage to tell his wife. Feel very sorry for both of them. MG
what a sad situation Maria. I do feel for you and other wives in this situation. You are the innocent victims in these situations When I work with the gay partner we always work on creating a situation which is open, honest, respectful and demonstrates integrity. There will always be grief and loss……and these things take time to heal. Did you know that there are online support groups for women such as yourself in these situations
Wow, I Google my situation and this came up. It really describes my life. I’ve been married for 20 years.We have 2 children. 18 & 14. Our marriage has been a mess since the beginning. We both have realized our marriage was a mistake. Crowning blow was when I came clean that I was molested at 14 my my best friends father. She told me that she would of never married me if it told her this before we got married. This was like putting a dagger in me. She begged me to tell her. I have always been the husband and dad that was there for my family. However, I had my deep dark secret as well. You see I’m 50 and in my day coming out was not fashionable nor applauded. We were told to suppress our feeling and marriage was the answer. Not to mention a father that would of disown me if I ever told him my true feelings. I had once relationship with a man when I was 32. He was very attracted to me and I was with him. However, he was a Dr and aids was on the forefront and certain acts were not allowed. He mostly ended up being a rounder and we went our separate ways. About a year later my best friend from HS interduced me to my wife. I was attracted to her style and we feel in love and married. Fast forward to today. We have been separated for 2 years. My wife has real control issues. For years I was the yes Man to keep her happy. “Happy wife, happy life” After her coldness to my teenage situation I decided to live for myself. I went to therapy and wasn’t getting much form it. She kicked me out of the house and has turned my children away from me. This father’s day was my first time with my children in 2 years. She has controlled this for that long. Holidays have been a major disappointed not being with my children. I’m filling for divorce this week. I have not told the family my secret. We are so bitter at each other I feel like I can’t at this point. Not having any sexual realtions with my wife in over 4 years. I have become very lonely. I friended a guy on Instagram. He friended me back. We left messages to each others posting. We really had a lot in common. He asked me if he could text me. I gave him my # and we became text buddies. As time passed we became very close and my feelings were becoming very strong for him. On a Saturday he told me that he was gay and hoped this wouldn’t change our relationship. I told him I knew and liked him to much to let this end. I also came clean instantly and told him I have batted for both teams. We started talking on the phone and really have become extremely close. We are the same exact age. And we find each other very attracted to each other. We just recently started sexting and I have never been so excited about a person as I am with him. He has made me feel like I have life again and have feelings I have never experienced before. I feel like I’m falling in love with the guy. I pretty sure the feeling is mutual. However, I’m deathly afraid of telling my family. It will set my wife over the cliff. My son will probably not speak to me again. For my daughter I’m not sure. I live in a very religious Southern Baptist community. All of our friends are Baptist. So all my friends will shun me. I’m prepared for that. It’s my immediate family I am in fear for. Also, myself. I only have about 20 good years left on life and I want this feeling to continue. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I am tried of the lie of a life I live. I’ve been depressed for most my life over this. I want it gone. Im not sure if I’ll fit in the gay community. I really don’t agree with how they seem to be in your face about homosexuality. But I also now my chances of meeting a man like I’ve found at my age is very slim. When we talk on the phone we talk for hours and are so comfortable with each other. He quit a career to move back to Kansas to help his 94 year old mom. That really admire him for that. It’s really comforting for me to read about other men with the same challenges. I’m thankful we live in a country that doesn’t throw gay people off roof tops. However, we are blessed with a choice. It might not be easy but it get easier as time progresses.
Hey Mark…..yes you are far from alone in your experience. There is a whole generation that took the same path for the same reasons. Religion can certainly complicate things. Sounds like you are taking good steps though. Have you read A Life of Unlearning http://www.alifeofunlearning.com
Hi Mark, I read your remarkable story. I hope you are going well now. I was raised in rural Australia. Although not religious it was a very daunting place to harbour any same sex desires. Your post is about 7 years old. Have there been any positive updates for you.? I hope you are happy and leading your best life. Enjoy your life and strive to be happy! Cheers – Pete
I am experiencing the same issue. I recently started seeing a married man, he has 2 kids in the marriage. He’s 28 and I’m 24, so yeah a bit crazy with the sexual encounters, but his wife literally tracks him through his cellphone so its just been car fun and car cuddle. But recently he’s been a little weird, more romantic. Sometimes he randomly sends me a message saying he misses me, or that he’s thinking about me. He’s very detailed remembering things about me. I think he’s falling and i don’t know what to do, i’ve talked to him about the no feelings rule, but he just says things like “I hate it when you say things like that” or calls me coldhearted. Sadly, I think i may be falling for him too.
I’m still torn. I separated from my wife to explore what this gay thing was all about. I was so ignorant at that time but I was unhappy; still am. I had come out to her in the 80s but we stayed together to raise our family plus preserve our life since we were very involved with a church, and we succeeded pretty well in this continuing to stay together up until 2012. Our sex life had collapsed by sometime in the early 2000s and by this time I was desperately trying to push down the draw to gay pornography which did not work. My then married children were very upset with me and felt betrayed. My dear wife and companion of some 40 years passed in 2014 and I went back to live near my eldest daughter in a property I part-owned my wife having left her half to the 3 children, but my daughter was very unhappy with my gay friends and felt threatened. When my work finished and I could not get any other students I decided to leave, so moved country and city hoping to find something that would reignite my life. I came to a place where it was openly acceptable to be gay hoping to find a community, a church, and perhaps a partner. None of them have satisfactorily materialized. I ran out of money and am now dependent on my son who helps me pay for my board and lodge each month, but I have little contact now with any of my children and feel very estranged and somewhat abandoned, especially since I have never made a satisfactory liaison with another man. My conclusion: I would never ever in a thousand years choose to be gay. It’s the pits.
So sorry to hear your story Jeremy. Things have not worked out well. I’m not sure this will be of any great comfort but there are straight people who have had similar experiences. Being gay definitely has it’s additional challenges. Hoping your find connection and community……they are so important.
I have had a different experience than most on here. I never married but for many years tried to stay celibate because of my faith. Every time I would almost get married to a woman I backed out knowing that I would feel trapped and it would make her life miserable. I became a full time minister and made all kind of deals with God hoping he would take these thoughts and desires to be with a man away. I attended counseling and over coming groups such as homosexual anonymous. I had many people pray over me asking God to take these thoughts an desires away. I desperately wanted to be married to a woman and have a family and be normal. Nothing worked. In my mid 30’s I left full time ministry and moved to a large city. The internet age came and I found mainly married men who were gay but married to a woman. I had several affairs that ended up damaging both of us. Several of them ended up coming screaming out of the closet. This would often turn the ex wife into a “victim” status for ever. I recently met a man who was married and at first became his friend and listened to him. He had been emotionally distant in the marriage for years and she was miserable. He decided to tell her that he could not be emotionally close to her ever and he knew she wanted that more than anything. They divorced and are civil and are friends. He has two adult children who he has a good relationship with. His ex wife just recently got re married and he finally told her. She said that she suspected he was gay all along. Because she is in a good place now emotionally I think that is why she was able to handle him telling her he was gay.
Thanks for sharing your story with us Mike. Much appreciated Have you read the article on our site about the two sepearte journeys
I cannot tell you how happy I am that I have found this article.
I am going into self destruct and I am not sure how to cope with it.
I met back up with a friend 3 years ago, a lady who I had known since birth, went to her wedding, married to the man who I am now head over heels in love with.
When we re met, M was still the big burly ‘bloke’ I remember , we seemed to connect quite quickly and I suddenly realised he was really quite strongly giving reactions to my current situation (engaged to a man) that I was not expecting, he made it very clear his feelings were that of hatred towards him which because clear over a period of a few months.
In response I fell hook line and sinker for M, the wife became aware of our friendship getting stronger and stronger and even tho M won’t say it, they clearly discussed it and he changed towards me quite quickly!
3 years on with no sexual contact at all, I am now single after leaving my partner because of the love I feel for M.
He is incredibly jealous of nah man that comes into my life (as a friend as I definitely am not interested in dating) we text all day very day!
We have all weekends together as a group, his wife, his daughter who I am incredibly close to (she’s 9) and she calls us the dads, out of mums earshot.
And his 21 year okd son is also very very close to me though his and his fathers relationship is terrible.
When he’s drunk, it’s the only time he can show emotion, it’s like two different people, publicly very very manly and stand offish, together and with a few beers, a beautiful tactile soul.
Then one day later, a cold, distant stranger!
I’m lost and a o confused, I know he loves me and he would be broken hearted if I met anyone else (I dont even want to)
I just want to understand him and it’s impossible to talk to him, he just does not accept the situation, yet when drunk will joke about our future together and how happy we will be!
Please can I get some help?
Hi Jamie…….you’re situation is quite commplex. It would be inappropriate to offer any advise here except that you book yourself in with a good LGBTQ counsellor or therapist who will be able to help you see what is really going on through the maze of emotions.
I’m happy to have found this article and I will read the book. I’m looking for an answer to the question: Does this guy love me? Do I have a chance with him?
I’m a gay man unhappily married to my partner of over 30 years. When I had just retired (two years ago or so), and realized without the job that I was desperately unhappy once my relationship took centre stage, I met a 31 year old “straight” man on a gay app. I know, it was wrong of me to go looking, but I was, and still am desperately unhappy. Yes, the age difference is big (28 years) but I have friends who have even bigger age differences. I’m in excellent shape for my age.
He had never had gay sex, and his wife had stopped having sex with him a number of years ago, once the first child was born, saying it was painful for her. Also he says sometimes she doesn’t even want to be touched. He described himself first to me as a very closeted bisexual. We had four little encounters together and there was undeniable chemistry. His guilt about cheating and his disgust over doing “gay” things was terrible after each time and so he would take weeks to get over that before he’d see me again. I said lots of things to try and help him, some of which made a difference he said. He said some sweet sweet things to me but also that he didn’t want me to fall in love with him, and he had to keep his guard up because no one had paid this much attention to him in a long time and he didn’t want to fall either. Then with a promise to say a proper goodbye if he ever felt he couldn’t do this anymore – he ghosted me. I had told two very close friends who told me to forget him, that he’d moved on, but I insisted to them that they didn’t know him like I did. I said, it may take time, but he will contact me again, and won’t have been with anyone else. I was so deadly certain. This came true.
Now we are involved again, but because he works farther afield and is busier the chance of seeing each other are even fewer. We started chatting in August and I’ve seen him only twice. He is the most straightforward, honest and sweetest guy I’ve ever met. He’s saying even more sweet wonderful things to me. He loves to kiss and touch, and it feels romantic. We haven’t gone all the way, but he wants to do it all. Here are some confusing things he has said which I’m having trouble understanding. He says he doesn’t look at guys and think they’re hot. He is only bisexual for me. He says he couldn’t do this with anyone else. The first times round he said he was “far more attracted to women, obviously, just the way I’m wired”. But then he’s also said he’d rather have (certain) sex (acts) with me than any woman. (I’m better at these things I’m told). He said “If I were a gay man with no kids, I’d seriously fall in love with you” then “is that weird to say?”. I did not tell him how I felt. I said “well, it is what it is” and he said “yeah, I didn’t mean I’m falling for you, just that it’s a lot of fun to get together.” So, I’m feeling mixed messages. Part of me thinks he’s actually in love with me and the other part thinks maybe he just really likes me a lot. But then he only messages me very infrequently, whereas I think of him all the time, and send lots of messages about stuff that concerns our arrangement. He likes to receive these messages. He erases the app after every use not to get caught. He says he can’t get on too often. He says “your a sweet kind-hearted man and I can’t wait until tomorrow morning;” and “you are sincerely such a sweetheart” and “ you’re my only baby”but then “you’re my side piece and I’m yours”.
I am madly in love with this guy. He’s mostly gotten over the negative feelings now. I’m so distracted I can barely get on with my regular life. If I could build up the courage to say how I feel, it would either end it, or I might hear it back. I don’t know what to do. Is that enough info? Any feedback?
Hey Stuart…….yes that is enough info. Thanks for taking the time to share all that. You’re situation is not uncommon from my experience. The fact that you are both closeted complicates things further. I wouldn’t even attempt to advise you as this is going to take some time to sort through what is happening here. I REALLY recommend that you check in with a really good therapist. I would also REALLY recommend you see a gay male therapist. No matter how much training a straight therapist has nothing can replace what gay men know and understand about gay men.
I hope that helps.
Some of the stories here have been such a comfort to read…
A few months ago I started an amazing long distance ‘relationship’ with who I thought was a gay man in an open marriage with his wife.
It lasted 3 months and was incredibly intense (something I now realise should have been a red flag).
I believed his story – that his wife knew he was gay and they had decided to keep up the happy family facade by staying together while their kids were still living at home.
Then something happened and he decided he couldn’t keep trying to have something with me and also support his family.
What’s throwing me now is just how intimate he was with me. I know this was different being an online thing – maybe he was lying. But he said loving things so often that I was sure he believed what he was saying.
I tried to remain in contact with him long enough to be able to fly out to meet him. But it was just too hard. He shut down very quickly and didn’t want to discuss the previous few months.
Did he fool me? Was his situation true?
I’d seen pictures of his kids, his house, his work, he called me over thanksgiving.
It sounds like he was able to be intimate with me that I didn’t doubt he was gay. And I understood his reasons for wanting to remain with his family at the moment.
But something caused him to shut down and that was hurtful. I would have appreciated a few more answers. The fact he couldn’t do that makes me think he really didn’t care that much.
sounds like it could be a case of closet hokey pokey https://www.abbi.org.au/2013/04/closet-hokey-pokey/
One never really knows what is going on on the other side of those kinds of relationships…….so many complications and challenges. It is often difficult for the person to be honest with themselves let alone with others.
Hi Anthony,
So… today I learned that my father in law of my adopted partner, we’re both male, has fallen in love with a man. My mother in law found out he was having an affair for a couple of months, and after confronting him, he said he means to pursue this new-found flame. After several decades of marriage. They’re both well in their 60’s.
Their three kids are distraught, and so are they. I would like some advice on how to proceed.
– As a fairly empathic personality, I’ve told my FIL to seek professional help as quickly as possible, I told him I can feel the guilt and shame is mentally and physically eating away at him and I’m concerned for his well-being. ( he lost 5kg and hadn’t much to lose to begin with )
– I feel so sorry for my MIL that she, recently retired, should have to go through this. She feels betrayed, abandoned and seems to believe this is some kind of phase.
I’m experienced enough to know to not meddle beyond the scope of what my role in this calls for, but I would really love some resources to relay to the both of them, to help them in this difficult time.
My FIL is a man of the church, having been a reverand for most of his life. Any pointers are welcome!
Thank you in advance,
A worried son in law
Hi Son in Law. A challenging time for all concerned indeed. these situations are too complex and indvidualistic to give simple answers to.. Professional help will be very helpful. Much to process and clarity needed about the way forward. This article will be helpful though https://www.abbi.org.au/2017/07/gay-partner-and-straight-partner/
I am glad to read this article and comments.
This is my story and I want to make it short.
I am a single man in my 40’s. There was one 40 years old married bi guy reached out to me in July.
We chatted till the end of August when we got a chance to meet. He could not get online so often due to his marriage situation. But I saw he made lots of efforts trying to get online and keep in touch with me. Even when he was on trip for one week with his family, he messaged remind everyday.
Our meeting went very well and we liked each other more. He expressed lots of interests in me and said he liked me.
But few days after meeting things had changed. He stared to keep distance and be cold. I asked him why. He said ‘Although I like you so much , but maybe we’d better not start any relationship, just casual meeting sometimes . As I am married and I never have a relationship with a man. I don’t think it’s good for you if I start’.
I was so shocked how he changed from a chaser to a stranger.
We didn’t contact each other until I sent him the message reminding him of something. He didn’t respond right away. But surprisingly he got online and responded at 10pm that night ‘thanks my dear’ then went off the line.
I was so shocked he used ‘my dear’ in his response after he was cold to me and not responding to my message for weeks.
I thought he may realize it’s hard for him to keep me away and showed his kindness. Then I messaged him and asked if we could meet before winter comes. Then no response again.
I am so depressed. Just could not accept his changes like that.
Could anybody have same experience share some thoughts? Or any advises would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
I think this is possibly a classic case of closet hokey pokey https://www.abbi.org.au/2013/04/closet-hokey-pokey/
I’ve not heard that expression before….. I love it! The visual it conjures is exactly what it is! I have no patience for that nonsense anymore…… ♪♫♪♩♩♩ you put your right leg in…… you put your right leg out ♪♫♪♩♩♩
If your coming out was text book and smooth be gratefu Anser. Not everyone has that luxury
My coming out was neither textbook nor smooth. I was faced with family violence, estrangement from my friends and church community and serious disruption to my education as a result of coming out. But those things were out of my control. I had no option other than to confront them and try to move forward.
What I have no patience for is the routine mistreatment of the people supporting the person coming out. Some men (and probably women) seem to believe they can treat their same-sex love interest (and/or gay friends) as ‘less than’ when it suits them to; being suddenly cold, ghosting them, suggesting its not a ‘real’ relationship and expressing other hurtful attitudes and behaviours because of their own internal conflict. Coming out can be tough…. on everyone involved. Doesn’t mean you need to be a dick about it.
And when I say I have no pateince for it, that’s exactly what I mean. I call out the bad behaviour when it happens. If it continues, I move on. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I’l leave it to better people than me to dance the hokey pokey.
Hello,
I am so glad I ran into this article. Doesn’t feel as lonely knowing there are lots of other people in similar situations. Life is complicated, and that’s an understatement.
Anyways, here is my story. I am not the married man. I am the “other” man. I am single and 30 years old. So a little over a year ago, I met this great older 60 year old man, one who happens to be married unfortunately. He also lives out of state. *Sigh* He is married to a woman, but he’s secretly gay. He’s not one of those who hid that he was married, and then later dropped a “I have a wife” bomb, once there were feelings involved. He was honest from the jump in that regard. When I met him, I didn’t think nothing of it. He just seemed like a cool guy and we just had great conversation that night, and I honestly just figured we would simply become good friends. Oh boy was I wrong! We met up more and more as the weeks and months go by. We saw each other about once a week or so. The reason we even had those opportunities to hang out is because he traveled a lot for work and was on on a project near my city for about 4-5 months. A while after we met, we started engaging in more than just conversation. (if you know I mean). Everything was great, and our connection/bond was just undeniable. It still is till this day, but I just don’t get to see him much anymore. However, we literally message practically every day Even though he’s married and gets along very well with his wife, he does not have sex with his wife and does not sleep in the same bed/room. He’s technically just living with his best friend if you ask me. I know he loves her and cares a ton about her, but does he love her romantically? I doubt it, right? Anyways, back to my story. So after he left town, he has been working in other states/locations. We have been so close to the point that I have traveled out of state a couple times to see him and spend time with him. He is going to be retired soon, and once that happens, I doubt I will be able to see him more than once a year (if that). We are in pretty deep, and it’s just extremely hard being in this situation as a single man. It’s getting to the point where it’s affecting me, and I have my days where I am down. I feel like I met my soulmate, but the fact that he’s married and secretly gay, makes this situation very complicated. Part of me wants to offer him more than the special friendship we have, but I know he will probably decline due to him not wanting to hurt his wife. Also, would offering him a full time relationship upset him/ hurt him? Would it change things in regards to our friendship? Should I take the risk and live with the results? What should I do? This is a very difficult situation…
hey Jim…..it would be so good to have someone advise you about the best way to respond in this situation. Personally I would never tell anyone what to do. There are always lots of complexities in these situations. Even more than you or your friend knows.
“Should I take the risk and live with the results?” Have you done this before in your life? How did that work out? Do you have the management skills to deal with rejection?
There is a good facebook group where you could explore this (GMMOM) That stands for Gay Men Mixed Orientation Marriage.
I wonder if you know a good gay therapist or one of your friends could recommend one. That insightful time of reflection and guidance over time would be quite valuable I would think.
Thanks for your response! I will definitely look into that FB group & into a good gay therapist.
To answer your question, yes, I think I’m pretty good with dealing with rejection. I’m just having trouble dealing with this situation now. Being in the middle of close friends and partners is taking a toll on me. I want to be in a committed relationship with him. Deep down, I know he would want to too, even though he’s never admitted it. I know you stated that you would never tell anyone what to do, but if you were in my shoes, would you offer him a committed relationship?
If I were in your shoes? You haven’t read my autobiography then. ……hehe. If you do happen to purchase a copy make sure you get the latest edition (3rd) and not the audio which is the 2004 edition. https://www.abbi.org.au/2021/12/a-life-of-unlearning-4/. If you do get to read then you’ll see that I was willing to forsake everything for love. …..and lost it all.
Hello Anthony!
I left a comment on Tuesday and I was just wondering why it was not approved. I was hoping to get some help with my situation. Let me know. Thanks.
Sorry Jim…..it was time constraints
a person’s first commment is blocked awaiting approval. Once approved though your comments appear automatically.
I am a 65-year-old man who lost his wife to cancer four years ago after 30 years of the most profoundly happy marriage. We had no children so we invested all our time in each other. Now this loneliness and solitude, even for a profound introvert like me, are crushing.
Almost one year ago, I learned that one of my old colleagues was dying of cancer. He and his wife have a 29-year-old son whom I have known since he was a boy. He has always been quiet, funny, shy, intelligent, introvert and with the kindest heart and soul. If I had had children, I would have wanted my son to be exactly like him. His parents did a fantastic job.
As you can imagine, he is desperately anguished about his dad. He feels he cannot talk to his family as they are all collapsing emotionally, too, and he is empathetic enough not to want to add to their burden. His work colleagues do not talk about it in case it upsets him, but he says this reluctance to acknowledge his feelings is making things worse.
My colleague and his wife, who are my good friends, have encouraged their son to talk with me about cancer and its long-term effects on families.
So, that’s what he and I do, sometimes for hours upon hours upon hours. This happens by text, phone, over lunches and in evenings and weekends at his place or mine.
He pours out his heart. He seems to think I have all the answers. I don’t, obviously, because I am as wrecked as anyone whom cancer has robbed, but I listen, comfort and empathise.
He feels so at ease with me now, after a lifelong acquaintance and all my “counselling”, that he has come out to me as gay. His sexual orientation matters not a jot to me. He is still the admirable person whom I respect and whose company I treasure.
Here’s the problem: I fear I am falling in love with him.
I think about him constantly. If the phone pings with a new text arriving, I reach for it hoping it will be from him. At one of our recent working lunches, we parted company outside the café with our usual manly hug, then he held my shoulders, fixed me with eye contact and said: “I love you.”
I was thrown completely off guard and mumbled some inane response that I don’t remember.
I have no ties to prevent a relationship, but the conflict in me is immense. By saying: “I love you” did he mean: “You’re lovely to help me about dad and I appreciate it”? Or did he mean the full-fat version?
I cannot ask him directly in case I have misunderstood him and I embarrass myself.
What does he want? Could I handle a deeper, more physical friendship? Yes. Do I want a long-term relationship? Probably. Could I foresee sexual activity? Possibly. Is the age gap an issue? Have I led him on needlessly by being understanding? What would his parents think when they are under so much emotional pressure, anyway? Does this disrespect the memory of my late wife? Am I in this confused situation because I am lonely and vulnerable, rather than in love?
Any thoughts would be most welcome.
Hi Neil…what a dilemma. So many questions. So many levels in this. All the questions are valid and anyone would ask themselves the same questions. Of course it is not appropriate to answer them as you need to find the right answers for yourself. You may find you make some right decisions and some wrong ones but that is life isn’t it. It’s hard to kill love once it’s ignited. Unless you cease contact or wean the young man off your relationship/friendship over time but that can be torturous. You didn’t say if you are out as a gay man or in the closet.
Possibly the only way forward with this is to have an honest conversation with the young man. Risky? Yes….but at least you’ll both know where you stand and with that level of honesty can find resolution whatever that might look like.
Dear Neil, love takes many forms. You’ve had space in your life for emotional intimacy and you found that with this man. Only you know if you feel attracted to him sexually. You and he are already in a loving intimate friendship. My advice would be to let that deepen and see what happens. If you are sexually attracted to him, I would suggest not feeding that (eg in fantasy) until you know if he feels the same way. Once attraction progresses to desire, it’s harder to step things back to friendship if that is all he wants. Best wishes, I hope your connection continues to support both of you in whatever forms it takes.
Thank you for such a prompt and considered response, Anthony.
Yes, it is a difficult situation, indeed. My wife was the only relationship I ever had. Other introverts will understand why. I was so lucky that our marriage was such a phenomenal success.
Am I gay or closet? I don’t have the experience or feelings to know the answer. I have never thought romantically or sexually about other males but, then, I don’t think about females, either. My dear wife was perfect for me, and I would never improve on perfection, but that truth is keeping me desperately lonely.
I have trawled the internet for parallels to this situation, hoping for insight, but nothing is quite like this one.
The closest I have found is to draw a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. If wanting the best for someone, and wanting to protect, guide and support him and make him feel safe, content and happy is loving someone, then, yes, I love him deeply, with all my heart.
Am I IN love with him? That’s the $64,000 question. I lie awake at night thinking about him. I want to be with him constantly. I am never happier than when we are together. Do I fantasise about what a mutually exclusive relationship would be like? Absolutely.
But, oh my.
Acting on these feelings would upset so many people. And the age gap! It would look like I had groomed a young man at his time of deepest distress. I most certainly have not. I have behaved with complete honour towards him. It was he who volunteered that HE loved ME.
I keep coming back to the fundamental issue. Is crushing loneliness doing this to me, rather than a “fantasy” falling in love?
My life has never been so complicated.
Sounds like falling in love to me. Maybe this is something to explore with a good LGBTQ therapist. Make sure they are LGBTQ though. It’s going to take some time to work through to achieve greater self awareness and discovery. I wish I could be of more help.
Thank you again, Anthony, and thank you, Allison.
Just setting it down has helped, and the responses from both of you have understood exactly my difficulties and inner turmoil.
I need to do a lot more thinking. I don’t want to say things to him or make moves that might put the friendship at risk, for if I lost that I would be truly devastated.
I wish you both well.
Hello I am Peter Harlow I am a former straight man I am seperated for my spouse. the Reason was for health reason. She was diagnosed with stage 4.Liver cancer which require 24 Hour care. She was remove from my care. By her Sister. We have been seperated for 11 yrs. I have lived alone by myself for 11 Years I experience changes of feeling being A Crossdresser and being attractive to gay men. If anyone has experience This feeling I would like to talk to someone about. Please I Need to talk to somebody. Thank You Peter Harlow.
Cheating, be it physical, emotional, or mental is IMMORAl, regardless of whether it’s with a man, woman, animal, alien, tree/plant, or inanimate object.
A lot of internet content seems to involve psychs/therapists/counsellors etc. ignoring the lack of morality and instead ‘back patting’ people talking about their sexual exploration or newfound sexuality.
The world would be a much better place if they said:
“ANY sexuality IS acceptable, but lying, deceit and cheating are maladaptive behaviours that cause pain, misery and suffering. So let’s rectify this BEFORE you continue down this new pathway of life.”
While this black and white approach to ‘morality’ might work in a perfect world where everyone is free of lawful, social, familial and cultural encumberance to embrace their own unique identity, sexuality, gender and romantic proclivities from the age of consent, unfortunately; that’s just not the world we live in. The real world is messy.
Many people, especially young people, are influenced unduly by ythe forces around them; cultural expectations, family requirements, social and work-related pressures, peer-group conformity expectations and even the laws under which they live. Homosexuality was illegal in some Australian states when I was growing up. It still carries the death penalty in some countries. Being gay (or trans, or bi or asexual) is still frowned upon by many in the church, as well as within many other communities within broader society. The pressure to marry (and reproduce) is still made unbearable within some families from many cultures and homosexuality still results in children being disowned by their families and communities in countries around the world…. including this one!
Yes, gay people marrying straight people without telling them causes a lot of pain and suffering for many of those individuals, their families and their communities…… but the answer is to remove the stigma, discrimination, social pressures and legal persecution from LGBTQ people, rather than force them to live in misery because they made a choice they didn’t feel like there was any alternative to when they made it.
That’s why counsellors and psychologists work with people where they are at to try and find a way through, rather than pass judgement and condemnation on them for something they felt they had no control over at the time.
After all, we already have the Church for that.
Hello,
I am a married man who has recently come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual (I think lol). I say that due to the reality that I am very much sexually attracted to women, however since I was a teenager I have had feelings off and on for men as well. Last December I was out of town on a business trip and happened to visit a very nice restaurant where the bartender is a wonderful gay man in his early 20s, I just turned 50 myself. During the time I spent there (roughly a week in total), I came in every day telling myself it was because the food was so good and the bartender who I will call “M” was so nice, inviting, funny, witty and seemed to take a genuine interest in my life, despite the fact that my heart would pound like mad when I pulled up outside. At this point, my marriage has become quite stale with distance felt between my wife and I, and our daily lives have become transactional with most interactions being about the mundane. Our sex life is virtually non-existent as a result of this, and that she is also quite overweight.
After spending time with M that week, after going home I decided to send an innocent text thanking him for making me feel so welcome, appreciated and valued. He responded soon thereafter and we started texting almost daily, with him calling me in mid-January (my heart leapt when I saw his name on caller ID) and us literally talking on the phone every 2 days or so for the next month, getting to know each other and asking each other detailed questions about our lives, childhoods and loves. He makes me feel loved, appreciated, respected and wanted, and we actually have quite a bit in common. I found myself missing any delay in texts and going into funks when I didn’t hear back right away, and on a recent business trip everything came down on me like a massive brick wall as I laid in my hotel bed one night bawling my eyes out, hugging a pillow wishing it was him, and coming to the stark realization that I was in love with him, and how impossible this was for me as I am married of course, and am also a Christian and am also having a struggle in that aspect as well. I finally told him I love him, saying “You don’t have to reciprocate” to which he immediately replied that he loved me too. I have since told my wife that I am no longer sexually attracted to her due to our emotional distance and her weight gain (I lift weights and box 5 days a week and am therefore very fit and hold fitness as something that is very important), and I have booked a counseling session for us. I do not believe that she will be supportive of my sexual orientation at all, as she suspects that M and I have a romantic relationship (we do not currently but it is wonderfully warm with him calling my babe and me calling him sweetie) and she said that “would be a deal breaker”, understandably so. My struggle right now is since I’ve expressed to M that I am going to counseling with my wife, I have noticed a marked decrease in texts and phonecalls, though we still talk and we still tell each other we love each other. I am scared to death of losing him as I have never made a connection like this with another man, and fear I never will again. I cry almost daily when I think of him and how much I love him, and now want to be with him. He says he respects my trying to mend my marriage, but I want so badly to tell him that I not only love him, but that I am in love with him and want to hold his hand, and kiss him, and snuggle and spend time together and just get to know him intimately. I honestly don’t know what to do as telling him of the depth of my feelings for him may actually be unrequited at this point, but I’m not sure either which is why I want to tell him. The weight of this is killing me as I have no one to talk to about it. M has become my sole confidant through my struggles with my wife, as well as the recent discovery of my sexuality, and this is one of the many aspects of who he is that makes him so absolutely attractive to me. Please help and thank you!!
Hi Matt. thanks for sharing all this. My heart goes out to you at this time of emotional turmoil. It might help to read my autobiography. I say this because you’ll see lots of similarities in the journey, although I was a famous Pentecostal preacher, but married with children, fell in love with a man, and I had to face a lot of reality.
The book, A Life of Unlearning, has literally helped 1000s of people in your situation. You can find out more here. https://alifeofunlearning.com/
I’m so happy I found this post from 2013 and its comments. When I was 30 years old I almost had no friends and at the gym I met a male friend who introduced me to his social circles and learned me how to get out of my social isolation. The downside was that he fell in love with me and made sexual advances that made me feel uncomfortable as if they were sexual compensation for him helping me. He always said he was certain I was bi-sexual, but it didn’t feel comfortable. I soon met my wife and we got married and had kids. After more than 20 years we divorced. After my marriage deteriorated we no longer had sex for extensive periods and I visited gay dating sites, chatted with men but never felt enough attraction to have sex with them. Soon I contacted my first love I was in relationship with when we were teenagers and both fell in love again and had a relationship for 1.5 years before she broke up saying she needed more space for herself and I didn’t do anything wrong.
Before my girlfriend broke up my dog died and suddenly all my early child traumas reemerged and decided I had to deal with them and started working on them. I felt lonely without my dog and relations and decided maybe it would be best to learn how it feels to be on my self. Although I tried I couldn’t resist chatting with women and visited dating sites, but felt something was missing. Then I decided to visit the gay dating site again and still didn’t feel more attracted than previously and immediately felt shame, regret and guilt at the thought of having sex with another men. Until I started chatting with a man for hours and similar to your story it felt as something was awakened inside of me that I didn’t want to shutdown and also felt I no longer had control over the part of me that I tried to deny, control and suppress.
Through our chatting we fell in love with each other although we still haven’t met, or disclosed our real life identities. I’m terribly in love and can’t stop thinking about him. I can fantasize and chat about having sex with him without feeling shame, regret or guilt as I previously did, although I’m not sure how it will feel in real life. I’m glad I’m not in a relationship in this phase of my life, but still careful if it all sounds too good to be true. There’s only one way to find out and meet each other and hope this is really authentic and then figure out how to start living openly.
I’m glad I found this article and put words to the emotions I feel. I think I can now safely identify as bi-sexual. Regardless if it doesn’t work out with the person I fell in love with, I now feel more comfortable I can meet the right person regardless of gender.
wow Robert….that has been quite a journey for you…..and still is by the sounds of it. I’m glad you found our site and also this particular article. i’m glad it has been helpful. BTW…this is still the most visited article on our site.