Homosexuality and Christianity has been a hot topic for many years and those of us existing in this space know it can be an extremely volatile environment. Whenever the LGBT community has sought to end discrimination based on sexual orientation or gain equality, opposition always comes from the same quarter; right wing, conservative Christians, leaders, denominations and organisations. And they can be extremely vocal and opinionated.
Since 2000 I have communicated with literally 1,000s of people about the issue of homosexuality and Christianity. This has been face to face meetings with individuals and church leaders and via personal emails, internet groups, forums, facebook, blogs as well as posting comments after relevant news stories on media sites.
When I first began this kind of work it became quite obvious to me that little effective communication was going on. I’ve often referred to it being like a boxing match. The bell rings and both opponents come from their corners swinging punches. The object of the game is to knock the opponent out. The six passages in the Bible that refer to same-sex activities aren’t called the ‘clobber passages’ for nothing. Within the above contexts, it’s easy to attack and give back what is being dished out to by our ‘opponents’. The conversation reduces to nothing more than an emotional diatribe which basically reinforces each others’ perceptions of each other and positions. Nothing shifts. Calling these kinds of engagements a discussion or debate is flattering ourselves.
Winning is not the goal, communicating effectively is. To speak intelligently, rationally and graciously requires skill and patience.
Here are my observations and guidelines I learnt the hard way talking about homosexuality and Christianity
1. We should always speak respectfully to each other even when we disagree or when people oppose us. If we want to be respected and listened to then we must also be willing to give it.
2. An angry response to an angry comment gets another angry response and can keep you unhealthily engaged for hours or days. Proverbs 15:1 says ‘a soft answer turns away wrath’.
3. Sometimes people are speaking from ignorance, preconceived ideas and misconceptions. My role is not to condemn them but endeavour to inform and educate.
4. Watch out for your own and others triggers. We all have triggers. Not everyone is aware of their own though. Triggers are automatic emotional responses that may come up in the discussion or have initiated it. Triggers that set people off can be:
(a) The person is gay themselves but as they have not accepted it, they project their hatred of what is within them on to others. Research has proven this many times.
(b) Another trigger can be sexual abuse and that traumatic event understandably clouds a person’s perception and responses.
(c) Bitterness and resentment a person holds towards the church, Christians or God for the pain, rejection or injustice they have experienced can be triggered. If we create a safe space and talk the person down and not wind them up then the source of their hurt or anger usually comes out.
5. When someone attacks you …..don’t attack back. If you do you are lowering yourself to their level.
6. Sometimes it’s helpful to NOT respond immediately after reading an email response; emotions are running high and responding in that state you risk the possibility of increasing volatility. Walk away. Put your mind on something else to diffuse the emotion. Sit on it for a few hours or a day. Sometimes it is best to walk away because the discussion has become toxic. If you continue to engage in it, it will poison you as well.
7. Some people have made their minds up already and have only one agenda; to convert you to their way of thinking. They seem unaware that you used to believe as they do but your personal experience or reading has changed that. If people have made up their minds already then dialogue is not a valuable use of your time. Actually, it’s a useless exercise and does nothing more than feed the other person’s angst on the topic. Personally, I don’t bother investing time with these people. Best to spend time with those who are questioning as opposed to people who ‘know’ they are right. We won’t change everyone’s mind on the subject of homosexuality. ….so don’t try and convert everyone. You’re not a jerk whisperer.
8. Name calling never enhances rational discussion. It reduces the quality of the dialogue. Resist the temptation of labelling everyone who has a different opinion or belief to you……..a homophobe, bigot or hater.
9. Asking probing, insightful questions can be more helpful than telling people what the truth is. I learnt that as a coach. Eg…..’if you feel that homosexuality is a choice. Can you please tell me what the benefits are over being straight?’
10. Show your humanity by acknowledging when a comment hurt you. Saying ‘when you said………….. it really hurt me’…is better than saying ‘you arsehole I hate it when people say things like that’…..or ‘I am offended’. Sometimes people are so into the emotion and volatility of the discussion they are not conscious of how hurtful their remarks are. We are all human beings and, as humans, have feelings. Show the hurt and pain: suppress the anger.
11. Humour, used appropriately, and wisely can help reduce the angst in a heated discussion. Always remember though that ‘hehe’ or ‘lol’ at the end of your comment in written communication…….is the way to let people know you are being funny. Humour doesn’t translate well in written form. People can’t hear the laugh in your voice or see the smile on your face. Without this, you upset people unnecessarily. Sarcasm never enhances a dialogue.
12. Talking people down and not winding them up is a skill….and like all skills can be learnt, developed and enhanced. Anyone can pour petrol on a fire; it takes skill to put the fire out.
13. It doesn’t hurt to remind yourself occasionally that there was possibly a time when you felt the same way as the person you are communicating with does.
14. Ask yourself the question….’whilst I was ignorant about the science around sexual orientation or the historical and cultural contexts of the oft quoted ‘anti-homosexual’ verses, how could people have best communicated different perspectives to me?
15. Finally, if you are going to be involved in dialogues you must be patient. Some of us forget how long it took us to find answers and resolution. It took me 28 years. No-one jumps from being anti-gay to pro-gay in one conversation. I had email communication with one person for over 6 months. One church leader and I have been dialoguing for 6 years now. Most people would say if he hasn’t changed now he never will. I refuse to believe that; as every time we meet I know I am building trust and respect and giving him one more thing to think about that wasn’t in his consciousness previously. The shifts are small but they are shifts none the less. Eventually all that time and effort will pay off.
16. (added 30/08/12) Rationality and clarity rarely come out of anger. Usually it is nothing more than reaction and more intense emotion.
I guess all the 15 things above can be summarised in the golden rule. Always treat others the way you’d like be treated yourself.
For a clearer understanding of how these things work out practically look at Creating a Space for Change and the model I created some years ago. IT WORKS!
Hi Anthony,
Thank you for this. I was faced with someone who had some not too nice things to say about Gays (on FB), and I went directly to this site to find out the best way to respond, with respect and calm.
So, instead of reacting in kind, I addressed things quite differently according to your advice.
Blessings and love,
Sue
you've made my day Sue. So glad this has been helpful to you. Obviously I learnt some of this the hard way so if others can save time and opportunities learning from my mistakes all the better
Anthony, even though I left the Seminary and eventually the Catholic Church because I understood my sexuality put me "outside" Communion with the Church (a term that implies more than Eucharist) I did gain one singular gem from my time studying there.
I was taught, as a part of my Pastoral Studies, that sharing feelings and emotions effectively is best accomplished by not blaming others for how I feel. Example: Most people throughout the United States grew up learning to say, "You make me angry…" The clearest way to communicate this same sentiment (taking responsibility for my own emotions) would be, "When you say, do, etc. ___________, I feel angry." I tried this with an alcoholic relative one time, who immediately retorted "Grow up." I didn't reach him, but understood in that instance, he really didn't care what my feelings were. It liberated me to begin putting distance between me and him. I believe the same method can work with "The Church."
Like. thanks Brian for your comments
Like. thanks Brian for your comments
These are great points, and I'd love to comment on point 10, coming from my studies in community services.
A great way to respond is to use an 'I' statement as follows: "When someone says [statement], I feel [feeling], and I would like [action]." So if I was to respond to pansexuals like myself being called unnatural, I may say something like: "When someone says that pansexuals are unnatural, I feel frustrated, and I would like more respect."
By saying "someone" instead of "you" the perception that what you are saying is an attack on the other person diminishes further, and if it is said assertively but not aggressively, it helps to defuse the level of conflict even further.
Thank you for your time and patience,
Phillip
thanks Phil for your insights. Learning assertive communication techniques/laguaage is most helpful
Anthony, this is helpful for me. I’m the type of person who prefers to write rather than face to face disagreements. This 15-16 set of rules reinforce my attitude when faced with an argumentative person. If love shines through that’s great- but I also must be prepared, mentally , emotionally, and spiritually. I’m so grateful you shared this. I needed it. God bless you.
I’m glad that you found it helpful Doug. It’s actually over 10 years old now. I guess some things are timeless.
Good points . Thank you. But correct me if i interpret this wrong . Is point 8 ( which i like very much ) also not about your last sentence in point 7 ? Like calling names. Like calling people jerks ? Lets practise what we preach. I m a gay man . Was living totally out in the lifestyle for more than 25 years. Instead of finding freedom i became a slave to my feelings. I try to practise modesty. I mean whatever opinion we have about homosexuality: Eventually it may turn out that we ve been wrong. That counts for both ” sides” . Modesty is what i read in your points and i love that. But you slipped up a bit with calling people that dont change their mind ( possibly for plausible reasons ) jerks. They are people. Lets stop framing. Like you said in point 8
hey John…..you are right. I can see the inconsistency there. I saw the meme and liked it. So I used it to let people know about this post. I don’t call individuals “jerks” or other derogatory names to their face on on social media. I thought the meme makes a point though which has an element of humour to it as well as truth.